No, that's a lie. My mind is just a jumbled mess right now. I don't know what I'm doing. Why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just want to roll up in a ball for the next year.
TGU
January 3, 2011
1/3/11
No matter what, I feel like my best friend is always apathy. But not caring, you're not hurt. I don't care that no one calls to see why I missed school. No one worries about me, but it doesn't phase me.
January 2, 2011
I Resolve
So, it's resolution season, and I admit to making some myself. This was before my mother pointed out why she doesn't believe in resolutions herself. (If you can change yourself on January first, you can any day.) I seriously would like to change.
I'm done hating. It takes to much effort to stew over problems over and over. I get so upset and angry that I feel like crying, and am tired of that. Getting over how much I hate people isn't going to happen over night, but I'm hoping by the end of the month, I won't still be catching myself in mid-hateful-sentence.
Also, I've decided I need to be more productive, more reliable and less wasteful. I've always needed to be better at such things, and being organized. I can't get any worse, and have already turned down more things than I can chew, so such shouldn't be to difficult.
My only issue, you see, is my last resolution. It is, as per most people, to lose weight. The issue is not in the goal itself, or my lack of self control around food. No, it is in fact, how I view food and my relationship with it. I love it and hate it. I am full of guilt with each bite. I've symptoms of binge eating disorder and anorexia nervosa. I wouldn't say I'm EDNOS, but I'm afraid that, if I'm not smart, I will say such. And yet, I don't mind. In fact, part of me wants to be able to say that I've an eating disorder. I wanted pneumonia and a stomach bug, so why not an odd view of food and myself? I don't even know why at this point. Well, I do. Control.
Okay, done with the tangent.
TGU
I'm done hating. It takes to much effort to stew over problems over and over. I get so upset and angry that I feel like crying, and am tired of that. Getting over how much I hate people isn't going to happen over night, but I'm hoping by the end of the month, I won't still be catching myself in mid-hateful-sentence.
Also, I've decided I need to be more productive, more reliable and less wasteful. I've always needed to be better at such things, and being organized. I can't get any worse, and have already turned down more things than I can chew, so such shouldn't be to difficult.
My only issue, you see, is my last resolution. It is, as per most people, to lose weight. The issue is not in the goal itself, or my lack of self control around food. No, it is in fact, how I view food and my relationship with it. I love it and hate it. I am full of guilt with each bite. I've symptoms of binge eating disorder and anorexia nervosa. I wouldn't say I'm EDNOS, but I'm afraid that, if I'm not smart, I will say such. And yet, I don't mind. In fact, part of me wants to be able to say that I've an eating disorder. I wanted pneumonia and a stomach bug, so why not an odd view of food and myself? I don't even know why at this point. Well, I do. Control.
Okay, done with the tangent.
TGU
January 1, 2011
1/1/11
Here's to a better New Year. Not that my whole year was terrible. Just, the last few months seemed to get worse and worse.
The year ended quite terribly. My father is ill. He has been since the 17th of December. I'll be back when he feels better.
TGU
The year ended quite terribly. My father is ill. He has been since the 17th of December. I'll be back when he feels better.
TGU
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