1/3/11

No matter what, I feel like my best friend is always apathy. But not caring, you're not hurt. I don't care that no one calls to see why I missed school. No one worries about me, but it doesn't phase me.

No, that's a lie. My mind is just a jumbled mess right now. I don't know what I'm doing. Why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just want to roll up in a ball for the next year.

TGU

I Resolve

So, it's resolution season, and I admit to making some myself. This was before my mother pointed out why she doesn't believe in resolutions herself. (If you can change yourself on January first, you can any day.) I seriously would like to change.
I'm done hating. It takes to much effort to stew over problems over and over. I get so upset and angry that I feel like crying, and am tired of that. Getting over how much I hate people isn't going to happen over night, but I'm hoping by the end of the month, I won't still be catching myself in mid-hateful-sentence.
Also, I've decided I need to be more productive, more reliable and less wasteful. I've always needed to be better at such things, and being organized. I can't get any worse, and have already turned down more things than I can chew, so such shouldn't be to difficult.
My only issue, you see, is my last resolution. It is, as per most people, to lose weight. The issue is not in the goal itself, or my lack of self control around food. No, it is in fact, how I view food and my relationship with it. I love it and hate it. I am full of guilt with each bite. I've symptoms of binge eating disorder and anorexia nervosa. I wouldn't say I'm EDNOS, but I'm afraid that, if I'm not smart, I will say such. And yet, I don't mind. In fact, part of me wants to be able to say that I've an eating disorder. I wanted pneumonia and a stomach bug, so why not an odd view of food and myself? I don't even know why at this point. Well, I do. Control.

Okay, done with the tangent.
TGU

1/1/11

Here's to a better New Year. Not that my whole year was terrible. Just, the last few months seemed to get worse and worse.
The year ended quite terribly. My father is ill. He has been since the 17th of December. I'll be back when he feels better.

TGU

December 20th, 2010

I should be in school. But, I'm not. Instead I'm 'sick,' retching and clenching my stomach.
I swear, it's probably all mental. Let's face it, I'm in a mental state of disarray, why would I physically feel any better? I'm not trying to dump on you, my three dear readers, plus anyone on the internet who may stumble along here.
I just wish someone could, I don't know, suggest a way to feel less blahh. And not be so overwhelmed.
The holidays are stressing me out, and we're not even doing anything more than a tree.
I don't know. I'm losing my mind.
I shouldn't wake up from 15 hours of sleep, and automatically blog.
If it weren't for auto-spell check, I wouldn't be coherent.

TGU

December 19th, 2010

Consumed. Again, I have found myself, consumed with the hate and anger that I had finally released. I'm not surprised, but I'm absolutely tired of it. I'm sorry, but saying you've never had a friend care about you, and expect me to not take offense, that's just stupid. And to call me the bitch? Thanks, it's not like I gave you a year of my life, to leech off of me, getting me to treat you like the little sister I never had. I paid for almost everything, I put my arm in front of you when we got to street corners so much it became a reflex, I gave you a place to hid from fighting parental units. Thank you so much, for just slapping me in the face.
But, what gets me the most, is the fact that this probably doesn't bother you at all. You have him, so you don't feel all alone again. No, I mean nothing to you. Our friendship was just one step on the way to the top of the Empire State Building. I bet you don't even think of our inside jokes, our adventures, or the fun things we did. We conquered summer school, explored everywhere one hour from our neighborhood, and spent ages on dead train tracks, just talking & shooting photographs. But, none of that matters to you, does it?
You know what else irritates me? You're a bloody attention whore. Boo Hoo, let's pity you because you're life is so terrible. You've a roof over your head, a mum who loves you, clothes on your back, and food (not that you ever eat it. No, not eating gets you more attention). Get over yourself. Go to Africa, or the Middle East, then complain that your life sucks so much.
Oh, and you're going to be the anti-social bookworm you used to be, if you keep blowing all of the people who call you a friend off, for a disgusting guy who only wants one thing. Not even a word of sympathy for a lost grandmother, before you complain about him? Tisk, tisk. Maybe he'd irritate you less if you sent him another topless photo. Would you like to use my bathroom again?

Sorry. I just really needed to rant. Part of me wants to send this to her.
TGU

Old Friends

I'm quite odd now, since my old best friend is now friends with my circle of friends. It was one thing when I introduced her to them all, but now it's like I'm not even there. Now, I get to be paranoid that they like her better, are turning them against me, and that I no longer have a place. Well, I have never felt as though I had a permanent place, but when she's around I feel more likely to be the next monkey pushed off the bed.
I can't just tell my friends to no longer associate with her. They've a class with her, and get along with her. Plus, our falling out started with me telling her that it was me, or the guy she tried to set me up with, and then fell in like with. But I want to so bad. Ultimatums aren't the smartest thing, but then I'd stop doubting. But, I sincerely doubt I'd stop being so insecure.
I'm pretty sure part of my issue is my lack of a solid best friend. That's what she was, choosing me over her other friends, hanging with me all the time. Her family was pretty much the only thing she chose over me. I've never had that. I've been the best friend in school, or best friend until someone better came along. I want loyalty and trust, and I want it fully right now. I'm impatient.
TL;DR- Ex-Biffle is friends with my friends. It ties my stomach in knots.

TGU

December 14th, 2010

Day two of remembering this blog exists. Not only that, but the second 'fantastical' day in a row. It's odd, I've felt so terrible the past two months, but these past two days. Man, I don't get it. Maybe blogging is good luck? And yet, at the same time, I get home and start to feel terrible again. The destructive habit I wanted to bring upon myse

Hello, World.... Again

Has it been a while? No, a year isn't that long of a time... Oops.
What has changed? I found a new best friend, and found myself the happiest I've been since before High School started. It was fantastic, she was the tweedle-dee to my tweedle-dum. Unfortunately, this summer we had a falling out. So, a year later I am practically in the same sort of boat as I was before. I feel rather terrible when I'm outside of school, spazz when I feel like I don't fit in/belong, and am as lonely as I've been in a while. I don't get along with my parents half of the time, and only get along with myself a quarter of the time.
And yet, at the same time, I am more social, and on occasion have magnificent days, in which nothing bothers me and I am constantly happy.
I don't really know what I'm doing. But, I know that blogging in an anonymous sort of manner helps. So, I'm back.

Girl Uninspired

I Hate To Cry

Seriously, I really hate when I cry. When I cry, I get shaky and my face gets puffy and red. It makes me feel weak, like I am not going to be strong again. I wish someone would wipe my tears for me....
Woah, to 'Emo.' Let me just say, if you think it is wrong to cry, do not. You need to let it out I was always told I was trying for sympathy, when I was not. Let it out, even if you hate it.

TGU

My Motto in Life

I try to:
a) Be Happy
b) Learn Every Day
c) Try something new
d) keep most of my blood inside my body at all times.

Now, like the English language, there are exceptions to the rules. Like, I have been known to give up my happiness so that others can be happy. And those summer days, where I do a total of zero educational things.
But, rule 'D' is the one I do my best to follow closest. Sure, I will give blood. But that is it. My blood.

The Girl Uninspired.