December 14th, 2010

Day two of remembering this blog exists. Not only that, but the second 'fantastical' day in a row. It's odd, I've felt so terrible the past two months, but these past two days. Man, I don't get it. Maybe blogging is good luck? And yet, at the same time, I get home and start to feel terrible again. The destructive habit I wanted to bring upon myse

October 22nd, 2009

I got my braces off yesterday, and because of that, I am still 'High on Life.' Yeah, it is cheesy, but seems true, in my case. Today was not that grand, and I will be grounded once father sees my progress report, but I no longer have metal in my mouth.
And I have been talking with a different boy. He does not mood swing. And is nice.
But, I will not just tell him I like him and walk away. I learned my lesson.

The girl Uninspired

October 8th, 2009

I am free, for four days. Our school has us all on a four day weekend, which could not have come at a better time. The male; let us just say, it is his loss and be done with that. School, I feel as though I am doing terribly, hence the gaps in daily posts, caused by my attempt to do homework... sometimes.
I just feel pretty 'blah' in general. We (as in me, my mom and my therapist) do not know why, but, we are trying to think of things that could make me feel better. And less lonely.
Off to 'do homework.'

The Girl Uninspired

September 26th, 2009

It is times like these, where I kind of fear that I am not progressing or just plateauing. I fear that I am going backward in my attempts at being a happy, healthy person, who is not hurt by her depression. At school, my emotions seem to be on a roller coaster, one moment I am happy, the next I want to curl up in a ball and sob. Even my friends are starting drive me nuts, and I do not know why. What am I doing wrong? I want to be right, for once.

The Girl Uninspired

September 23rd, 2009

I had a very, well not bad, but not good day? It started with getting yelled at in the morning, even though I did my chores. Then, we had a very upset best friend, forgotten homework and lots of rushing around and not being happy. Add that to a not bad but not good quiz grade or two, and add me and my father being sick. Yeah, that was my day.
Not terribly eventful, but I did run today. I still feel sick and my breathing is impaired, but I was only seven seconds off of my mile time from the last time I ran, the 15th, so I guess it was not to bad. Now I am off to shower and try to sleep. Yay, sleep.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 15th, 2009

I have had a fourth good day at school. So, four down and 176 days to go. I have this terrible feeling that I will soon get introuble and everything is going to go to hell. It is like a dark cloud looming overhead. But, I should try to ignore said cloud, and focus on the good things, like how I like my teachers, and joined a club. The new kid is gay (which is a waste, since he is so sexy. Oh well, he is still nice) but I still get to play bassoon and he is a really nice guy, so that is okay.
On a very happy note, on of the story collaberations I am working on with an internet friend of mine has begun. We worked on the prologue together and we will start alternating writing the chapters. I am so excited. And I have been uploading drawings. I am being productive. Why, I do not know. But I will take it anyway.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 14th, 2009

I have only had three days of school, but so far, so good. I am happy with pretty much all of my classes, with good teachers and a relativly nice bunch of kids in most of them. 'X' did not show up in the class we have together, which made me happy, and to make the class better, a friend of mine was transfered in. My first period class even got a new student, so I get to do something that I really wanted to do, since he is filling my position.
My 'Home life' seems surprisingly positive as well. But, I am not sure if it is because I am actually getting off my ass and doing things, or because my father and I have not interacted much. I do not know, only time will tell, I guess. Now, to go study, because I have yet to fall behind in my studies as of the third day of class. Then, I shall run, a mile minimum. Joy.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 11th, 2009

After two days of school, I want to be done. The sense of Monotomy, the boringness of my day to day life at school, has hit me hard, like a brick to the chest. I do not want to be in the motions that I have always been in. I get up, go to school, come home, go to bed. It is like I do not do anything else. I have worked hard to keep my spirits and motivation up. And my mom has helped me, like helping me study with the flashcards that I have made. But, I fear that any progress I have made, may slip away.
But, let us try to focus on something that is positive. I have friends in more then half of my classes, three of them being with my most bestest friend my age, and one with one of my best friends the grade below me. I was able to get out of the class that they tried to make me take, for the second year in a row, and got a new History class. That means, one less class with 'X,' and a lot less stress about having them talk to me. I got my locker changed too, which was a very stressful thing. My father would not wait until they were changing all of those who had problems, which caused more problems. Let us just say, I am getting a new lock on Monday.
I am very tired, which is not a good sign, and much more irritable then normal. I fear that I will lose all the 'back-to-school' motivation I had. Any one else have the back to school blues?

Girl Uninspired.

September 10th, 2009

I am officially a Junior in high school, and my first day was definatly better then I expected. I thought that I would go to school and just get laughed at and be miserable, but I was terribly mistaken. I found a friend in all but one of my classes, and I have a couple classes without anyone who has the same first name then me, which did not happen once last year. I get to take three electives a semester this year, by dropping lunch and foreign language. I am just on cloud 9 right now.
Well, except for the fact that the could above cloud nine, is a rain cloud. My math class, I need to change it. It is the same one I took last year, and am so terribly bored, even my doodles were doodling. And my locker is so far away from the exit and my last class of the day, I can not go to my locker and make the bus to go home. I could live with that, I am working on changing math classes, and my father called the school to get me a new locker. No, the only real problem, is that I have two classes with 'X.'
If you can recall, 'X,' is a person I first encountered when I was a freshman, two years ago. This person did many things that I view as morally wrong. I do not know why, but I stayed their friend; I wish I had not. I saw them very little last year, and went from January until the last day of school before seeing them again. I saw them when My mother and I went out to lunch. And now they are in two of my classes.
'X' cause me so much pain, and is one of the reasons of my depression. I have finally started to be happy again. I do not know what I will do if they try to talk to me. Only 179 days left to try and avoid them, that is the only thing I know to do. I refuse to relapse. I refuse to let them take me down. Again.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 9th, 2009

It is my last day of summer, and I could find no reason to get up this morning. I am afraid this is just how the whole school year will go. I will be a junior, so this is my most important year of school. This just means that, I am screwed. Unless I can find a way to force myself up, and make myself sit and do my homework, I will mess up my grades, not get into college, and have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. There is NO way I will let that happen. I want to get the hell out of here. Now.
But I can not. That thought hit me hard this morning. I am stuck here for two more years, until I turn 18. Then, I will probably high-tail it out of here. All of the colleges that I have looked at, for the most part, are out of state. I want out so bad.
I do have this dream of getting my writing published, so I would not have to go to college, but seeing how I do not have the use of my laptop, therefore have not been writing, I have nothing to edit. I have nothing to show a publisher. So, I have to go to... college. Do I have any other choice? Since, it feels like forever, my father has talked about me going to college, being successful. I know he wants me to have more opportunities then he had, but still. His extra pressure is not helping. At all. I just wonder if he, or any parents in general, realize how much pressure they put on their children.
Well, now I get to go shopping for school clothes. Better late then never, right?

The Girl Uninspired.

September 8th, 2009

Today, I have very mix feelings. On one hand, I went to the orthodontist and was told that I will have my braces off by the end of October. I have had them since the summer before freshman year, so I am very excited about that. On the other hand, school starts for me on Thursday. This will mean a decrease in time for me to just sit and draw all afternoon, and an increase in school work. School work is what always kills me.
Since, what feels like, forever, I have had problems with my peers. Such issues led to a dislike of school, and most things related to it. This led to a hatrid of Homework. I would always rush it, doing it in class or on the bus, but that caught up with me when I started high school. Freshman year brought Global History I, and lots of homework. I found it pointless, and almost ened up failing the class, and having to do hours of homework over Christmas break to avoid failing the Quarter.
Then last year, Sophomore year, I found it even harder to motivate myself to do work out side of the halls of education. This led to me almost failing Global History II and Geometry. While I failed neither, this caused my parents to start taking away privalages, and means I have to take Geometry 11 this year, my junior year. Because of my lowering grades in Math and History, my parents came at me, trying to find out what was wrong. I was tested for deficiencies, and odd levels of vitamins. I even had to pee in a cup to convince my parents that I was not doing drugs. (I have never, and will never do drugs.) This lead me to losing any trust or faith in my parents. And, that was when I first went to a therapist. If it were not for my therapist, we would never have realized that I am clinically depressed, and I would not be (hopefully) on the path to a happier life.

So with school starting, I will be working harder then ever to keep up my motivation. I do not know how many daily posts I will be able to make, due to school and marching band. But, I will have a new post (other then the daily posts) every three days. Have a Good Day.

The Girl Uninspired