I Am A (L)only Child

I was born to a man and a woman. After me, they had no more children, just many many pets. So, this means I am an only child. I hate being an only child.
I get terribly lonely a lot, since my parents both tend to sleep during the day, mom because the hours she works, and dad because he is in poor health. And by the time they are up, I have shut myself in my room, and totally immersed myself in my creative pursuits. And it is very difficult for me to pull myself away for any artistic thing I am working on.
Also, when one is mad at me, the other seems to be always asleep. So, if dad will not even look at me, mom is asleep and I have no one to talk to, so I feel terribly isolated.
There is only one solution. Who wants to share one of their siblings?

The Girl Uninspired

I Want to Feel Important

No, I do not want to be the President of the United States, or the Next Oprah. But for once in my life, I want to feel as though the rolls in which I play are important, to someone other God and myself. I feel useless, like dead weight, dead air. It is almost as if I am a penny in a jar of quarters; insignificant and unimportant. I work hard to help my parents, especially when my diabetic father is sick, but that does not get me anywhere.
Maybe, my problem is not that I am unimportant, but I just feel as though everything I do gets overlooked, again and again, day in and day out. I feel very unappreciated, even though I know my mother is glad I do what I do... but then again, my father never tells me anything positive.
So, I do not know. Abnormally short post. I apologize.

The Girl Uninspired

October 18th, 2009

I have felt really terrible today, mostly thanks to my parents. They are driving me nuts. First, I woke up to my mother yelling at me for taking a half hour to get up, and then my father yelling at me and giving me so many chores to do. He would not even let me go to church with my friend.
So, I spend most of the day cleaning and working on things in the house, while the two of them slept on the couch all day. I do not remember the last time I was so angry. I was cleaning up their messes, doing what they wanted, and yet nothing was good enough.
I cried today, I was so angry. And I hate to cry. FML

Girl Uninspired

October 12th, 2009

I wish there was a way to go back in time to yesterday. Yesterday, was great. I went to church with my best friend, it was different then my church, but it was nice all the same, I am even thinking about going with her again, next week. We hung out at her house, watched Wall-e, her parents cooked amazing food. And I had no responsibilities. It was my first real sleep over, and it was awesome.
Now, I am home. I really hate it here. I get lonely so easily, and practically lock myself in my room, to avoid my parents. I love them, but they are driving me nuts. I feel as though I am just slave labor to them.
Now, I have today off, to do loads of homework, that I did not get a chance to do this past weekend. Oh dear. Now, atoms....

The Girl Uninspired

They Are not Helping

When I say 'they,' I mean some of the people in my life. It is not like they are purposfully making things harder for me, I am pretty positive they are not plotting against me. It is just, sometimes, I do not know what I should do. I love my parents and my close friends, and I really like my other friends. Being around them just seems to put me down sometimes. I just can not seem to put a finger on why it feels like it does.
Let us start with my best friends. We are great together, laughing and yelling, singing and dancing, messing around. But, I look at them, and then myself, and start to feel terrible. It is like they are all so much better then I am, in so many ways. My one friend is a better Musician then I am, and is much more serious and true to her faith then me. And my other friend is prettier and friendlier, and more people like her. Did I mention that they are both athletes too? Yeah, their athletic ablilities are greater then mine as well, which makes me feel even worse about my fat self.
I have other friends then them too. The one seems like he is friends with everyone, which I am totally jealous of, having such terrible people skills. And there are the ones who are amazing artists and writers, who people take seriously as artists and writers. And yet, to almost everyone, I am a joke. And it pisses me off so much.
My parents make me feel terrible too. I love my mother and father, and I know I am lucky to have them both, but some times, I just wish they would leave me alone. My mother is in better shape then I, and when we go shopping, she will reference to: "when I was fat." Do you know what it is like to have a mother skinnier then you? It is terrible, especially when she is constantly rubbing it (indirectly) in your face. It is terrible. And then there is my father. It is like I have to tip toe around him, and do everything I can to not upset him, because if he is unhappy, then everyone is miserable. Just being around him, he who makes me feel like failure, makes me feel terrible.
So, what am I supposed to do, when I feel terrible around the people I care about, and my friends? It is not like I can leave. If I could leave, I would.

The Girl Uninspired

September 14th, 2009

I have only had three days of school, but so far, so good. I am happy with pretty much all of my classes, with good teachers and a relativly nice bunch of kids in most of them. 'X' did not show up in the class we have together, which made me happy, and to make the class better, a friend of mine was transfered in. My first period class even got a new student, so I get to do something that I really wanted to do, since he is filling my position.
My 'Home life' seems surprisingly positive as well. But, I am not sure if it is because I am actually getting off my ass and doing things, or because my father and I have not interacted much. I do not know, only time will tell, I guess. Now, to go study, because I have yet to fall behind in my studies as of the third day of class. Then, I shall run, a mile minimum. Joy.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 9th, 2009

It is my last day of summer, and I could find no reason to get up this morning. I am afraid this is just how the whole school year will go. I will be a junior, so this is my most important year of school. This just means that, I am screwed. Unless I can find a way to force myself up, and make myself sit and do my homework, I will mess up my grades, not get into college, and have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. There is NO way I will let that happen. I want to get the hell out of here. Now.
But I can not. That thought hit me hard this morning. I am stuck here for two more years, until I turn 18. Then, I will probably high-tail it out of here. All of the colleges that I have looked at, for the most part, are out of state. I want out so bad.
I do have this dream of getting my writing published, so I would not have to go to college, but seeing how I do not have the use of my laptop, therefore have not been writing, I have nothing to edit. I have nothing to show a publisher. So, I have to go to... college. Do I have any other choice? Since, it feels like forever, my father has talked about me going to college, being successful. I know he wants me to have more opportunities then he had, but still. His extra pressure is not helping. At all. I just wonder if he, or any parents in general, realize how much pressure they put on their children.
Well, now I get to go shopping for school clothes. Better late then never, right?

The Girl Uninspired.