When I am bored, or can not find something to do, my depression levels increase greatly. It is not when I am sitting in class, stairing at the clock, because I just doodle then or talk to a classmate who is sitting close to me. No, It is when I am at home, alone, laying on the floor, doing nothing.
When I do nothing, I do not feel nothing. When I do nothing, I feel like there is nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to, nothing to have passion for. I stop thinking of things that I want to create in my head, and I tend to 'crawl inside myself,' hiding from emotion and feeling, other then pity and sadness. I wallow in such feelings, engross myself in such emotions. I do so, until nothing feels good, and I feel cold, frozen on the inside.
It takes a lot to pull my idle self out of my head. Much prodding, and obnoxious over-zealous hugs are normally in order. And I need someone or something to distract me from feeling so terrible. Even something as simple and my mom and I playing Canasta or Scrabble helps to pull me out of it.
But, I want to be able to get out, all by myself. I want to be a 'big girl.' I just do not know how. How do you do it? How do you go, day after day, with no real positives to look forward too, without crawling back in and locking the door? How do you break down that door once it is locked? Where can I find the key?
The Girl Uninspired
Showing posts with label Motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motivation. Show all posts
October 10, 2009
September 29, 2009
September 29th, 2009
I fear that I am going through 'Mood swings.' It is not intentional (I doubt they ever are) and it is driving me mad. My mood changes so rapidly, that I can experience four different emotions in one class period of forty-six minutes. I have no clue why, and it is annoying.
I stated this drawing about a week ago, and I have no real urge to finish it. I promised it for someone, so I have too, I just can not make myself. It looks good so far, I just lack the motivation.
School is similar in the lack of motivation. Maybe, one day, I will be really motivated for once.
I can not wait for that day.
The Girl Uninspired.
I stated this drawing about a week ago, and I have no real urge to finish it. I promised it for someone, so I have too, I just can not make myself. It looks good so far, I just lack the motivation.
School is similar in the lack of motivation. Maybe, one day, I will be really motivated for once.
I can not wait for that day.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 28, 2009
How Do I Motivate Thee?
Or, do I first need to motivate me? My biggest problem, being depressed, is that I can not find a way to motivate myself, to do pretty much anything. Though, some days, I do have a spurt of motivation, many days, I do pretty much, nothing. It is this frustrating roller coaster of wanting to do things, and not, and I want off.
It is not like I have not tried to find a way to motivate myself, it is just very hard to find an effective way, that lasts long. At night, I put a post-it note on my alarm, of something to look foreward to the next day. But, some nights it is hard to think of a good then, then it is other nights. Some nights, the only thing that I can think will be good the next day, is that I will get a hug from my mom. That makes me feel pathetic.
I must admit that mom is the person who works the hardest to help motivate me.
My mom tries so hard to help me, and I will always be greatful for her. On the days I am most down, laying on the floor, half paying attention to what Prince Caspian is saying, or how many times Hermione glares at Ron, she grabs her fork lift and tries to pick me up off the ground. Her and I stop everything, well it is mostly her dropping things, and we play a board game or card game. We bend the rules and play for fun, not caring if she beats me in scrabble by ten points or if I beat her at canasta by fifty.
I realized, thanks to the therapist, that any motivation I had, came from an unhelpful source. All of my previous motivation seemed to come from trying to not get my father mad at me. It was as though I tip-toed around him, and worked hard only when it seemed like it would make him happy, which it did not do.
But now I am trying to find motivation for me, I am trying to live for me. I am the only me I have.
The Girl Uninspired.
It is not like I have not tried to find a way to motivate myself, it is just very hard to find an effective way, that lasts long. At night, I put a post-it note on my alarm, of something to look foreward to the next day. But, some nights it is hard to think of a good then, then it is other nights. Some nights, the only thing that I can think will be good the next day, is that I will get a hug from my mom. That makes me feel pathetic.
I must admit that mom is the person who works the hardest to help motivate me.
My mom tries so hard to help me, and I will always be greatful for her. On the days I am most down, laying on the floor, half paying attention to what Prince Caspian is saying, or how many times Hermione glares at Ron, she grabs her fork lift and tries to pick me up off the ground. Her and I stop everything, well it is mostly her dropping things, and we play a board game or card game. We bend the rules and play for fun, not caring if she beats me in scrabble by ten points or if I beat her at canasta by fifty.
I realized, thanks to the therapist, that any motivation I had, came from an unhelpful source. All of my previous motivation seemed to come from trying to not get my father mad at me. It was as though I tip-toed around him, and worked hard only when it seemed like it would make him happy, which it did not do.
But now I am trying to find motivation for me, I am trying to live for me. I am the only me I have.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 13, 2009
I Do Not Want To Get Up
Seriously. I never want to get up. If I were aloud too, I would probably sleep for days at a time. When I am asleep, I am not in trouble. When I am asleep I have no responsiblities. When I am asleep, I can dream. Well, more like attempt to dream. It has been a very long time since I have remembered any of my dreams, that were pleasant. I can remember pleanty of nightmares; death, destruction and sorrow. But happy dreams, not so much.
It is not so much that I want to sleep. Mostly, it is that I do not want to do anything. I do not want to get up and go to school, I do not want to feed the pets and clean their cages. I do not want to do chores and I definatly do not want to be held responsible for my actions. So subconciously, I think that if I do not get up at five thirty in the morning (Or any time after that) I will be able to avoid all of the things that ail my mind. When, in truth, the less I get up, the more trouble I get in. When I do not get up, the time at which I am forced to go to bed gets moved earlier and earlier, and I lose privalages like the use of the computer and television. Then, when I lose privalages, I lose even more motivation and become more defiant. I dig my heels in and resist doing anything, and whind up laying around all day, getting nothing done. It is just a vicious cycle, getting worse and worse.
The problem is that I am running out of Ideas, ways to help myself get up. Every night, I think of something to look forward for the next day, and I put it on a sticky note on my alarm clock, over the numbers. (after I set it) But it still isn't really much to help me motivate myself to get up. And I would rather not have to drink a liter of water when I go to bed, so I wake up having to use the bathroom. I have done that way to many times. So, if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.
The Girl Uninspired
It is not so much that I want to sleep. Mostly, it is that I do not want to do anything. I do not want to get up and go to school, I do not want to feed the pets and clean their cages. I do not want to do chores and I definatly do not want to be held responsible for my actions. So subconciously, I think that if I do not get up at five thirty in the morning (Or any time after that) I will be able to avoid all of the things that ail my mind. When, in truth, the less I get up, the more trouble I get in. When I do not get up, the time at which I am forced to go to bed gets moved earlier and earlier, and I lose privalages like the use of the computer and television. Then, when I lose privalages, I lose even more motivation and become more defiant. I dig my heels in and resist doing anything, and whind up laying around all day, getting nothing done. It is just a vicious cycle, getting worse and worse.
The problem is that I am running out of Ideas, ways to help myself get up. Every night, I think of something to look forward for the next day, and I put it on a sticky note on my alarm clock, over the numbers. (after I set it) But it still isn't really much to help me motivate myself to get up. And I would rather not have to drink a liter of water when I go to bed, so I wake up having to use the bathroom. I have done that way to many times. So, if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.
The Girl Uninspired
September 11, 2009
September 11th, 2009
After two days of school, I want to be done. The sense of Monotomy, the boringness of my day to day life at school, has hit me hard, like a brick to the chest. I do not want to be in the motions that I have always been in. I get up, go to school, come home, go to bed. It is like I do not do anything else. I have worked hard to keep my spirits and motivation up. And my mom has helped me, like helping me study with the flashcards that I have made. But, I fear that any progress I have made, may slip away.
But, let us try to focus on something that is positive. I have friends in more then half of my classes, three of them being with my most bestest friend my age, and one with one of my best friends the grade below me. I was able to get out of the class that they tried to make me take, for the second year in a row, and got a new History class. That means, one less class with 'X,' and a lot less stress about having them talk to me. I got my locker changed too, which was a very stressful thing. My father would not wait until they were changing all of those who had problems, which caused more problems. Let us just say, I am getting a new lock on Monday.
I am very tired, which is not a good sign, and much more irritable then normal. I fear that I will lose all the 'back-to-school' motivation I had. Any one else have the back to school blues?
Girl Uninspired.
But, let us try to focus on something that is positive. I have friends in more then half of my classes, three of them being with my most bestest friend my age, and one with one of my best friends the grade below me. I was able to get out of the class that they tried to make me take, for the second year in a row, and got a new History class. That means, one less class with 'X,' and a lot less stress about having them talk to me. I got my locker changed too, which was a very stressful thing. My father would not wait until they were changing all of those who had problems, which caused more problems. Let us just say, I am getting a new lock on Monday.
I am very tired, which is not a good sign, and much more irritable then normal. I fear that I will lose all the 'back-to-school' motivation I had. Any one else have the back to school blues?
Girl Uninspired.
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