October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

So, today is halloween, October 31st. And, tonight I am going trick-or-treating with my best friend, and  a few acquaintances. I shall be a death eater (from harry potter.) and am Excited. For once.
I have very little to say, but have fun, and be safe. Very, very safe.

Good Tiding, and a Merry Christmas,

The Girl Uninspired

October 28, 2009

October 28th, 2009

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. School and parents, and trying to improve at the arts, an balancing chores and homework and fun. It is hard.
I am not liking Hard very much.

TGU

There Will Almost Always Be Someone Better

Now, I am not trying to sound like a Debby Downer, or Negative Nelly, but it is just fact. Every day, someone, somewhere, learns something new. And that person works hard to get better at whatever they are doing. But, the fact of the matter is that they are not the best, and will never be the best. I really hate that.
I want to be a great writer, musician, artist and teacher. But, if I am all of those things, I will never be the best, I will just be good at them.
This is a difficult decision I may have to make.
This Bites.

The Girl Uninspired

October 25, 2009

I Am A (L)only Child

I was born to a man and a woman. After me, they had no more children, just many many pets. So, this means I am an only child. I hate being an only child.
I get terribly lonely a lot, since my parents both tend to sleep during the day, mom because the hours she works, and dad because he is in poor health. And by the time they are up, I have shut myself in my room, and totally immersed myself in my creative pursuits. And it is very difficult for me to pull myself away for any artistic thing I am working on.
Also, when one is mad at me, the other seems to be always asleep. So, if dad will not even look at me, mom is asleep and I have no one to talk to, so I feel terribly isolated.
There is only one solution. Who wants to share one of their siblings?

The Girl Uninspired

October 22, 2009

October 22nd, 2009

I got my braces off yesterday, and because of that, I am still 'High on Life.' Yeah, it is cheesy, but seems true, in my case. Today was not that grand, and I will be grounded once father sees my progress report, but I no longer have metal in my mouth.
And I have been talking with a different boy. He does not mood swing. And is nice.
But, I will not just tell him I like him and walk away. I learned my lesson.

The girl Uninspired

I Want to Feel Important

No, I do not want to be the President of the United States, or the Next Oprah. But for once in my life, I want to feel as though the rolls in which I play are important, to someone other God and myself. I feel useless, like dead weight, dead air. It is almost as if I am a penny in a jar of quarters; insignificant and unimportant. I work hard to help my parents, especially when my diabetic father is sick, but that does not get me anywhere.
Maybe, my problem is not that I am unimportant, but I just feel as though everything I do gets overlooked, again and again, day in and day out. I feel very unappreciated, even though I know my mother is glad I do what I do... but then again, my father never tells me anything positive.
So, I do not know. Abnormally short post. I apologize.

The Girl Uninspired

October 19, 2009

NaNoWriMo

YES! It is a blog post about something artsy verses depression. Huzzah!
It is October, which will lead into November, when one of the biggest things In my life goes on; NaNoWriMo. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and runs from the first of November until Eleven Fifty-Nine at night on the last day of November. You spend the month striving to reach the site goal of fifty thousand words, or one you set yourself (but you only win on the site if you get 50,000 or more.)
I am terribly excited about this, and having my friends do it as well. I will be re-writing last year's NaNoWriMo, changing events, changing characters, and just doing my best to improve the story.
The site is http://www.nanowrimo.org you should join and partake. :)

The Girl Uninspired

October 18, 2009

October 18th, 2009

I have felt really terrible today, mostly thanks to my parents. They are driving me nuts. First, I woke up to my mother yelling at me for taking a half hour to get up, and then my father yelling at me and giving me so many chores to do. He would not even let me go to church with my friend.
So, I spend most of the day cleaning and working on things in the house, while the two of them slept on the couch all day. I do not remember the last time I was so angry. I was cleaning up their messes, doing what they wanted, and yet nothing was good enough.
I cried today, I was so angry. And I hate to cry. FML

Girl Uninspired

October 16, 2009

Not Every Day Will Be An Adventure

And I really need to get a grip on that fact. It is not that I want every day to be busy and crazy, but, it is almost as though if there is 'nothing' going on, I just shut down. It is not like I mean to, but unless I can find something to look forward to, I lose interest.
It is as though, if I can not find some wild and crazy thing to look forward too, I feel as though my life is terribly uninteresting, and not worth trying to live to the fullest. I am betting that no one has 365 crazy days a year, or if they do they wish they had more down time. But, I think I have to much down time, or I have had so much lonely down time, that any of it at all, seems as though it is way to much.
I do not know if anyone else feels like this, at times. I can not be the only, right? Meh, I need to stop speculating and comparing. It should not be the most important thing for me to feel the same way others do.
Anyway, do you get the 'nothing-to-look-for' blues too?

The Girl Uninspired

October 14, 2009

October 14th, 2009

I have been terribly moody recently, and I am trying to figure out why. I feel just odd and roller coasting and it is driving me nuts. I just feel like crap and I have no clue what is causing it. And I do not feel like doing anything but drawing. I am falling back into the old habbits. I am afriad I will not be able to get out of them.

The Girl Uninspired

October 13, 2009

Sometimes, It is Laugh or You Cry

I make jokes about Depression. It is not that I think being depressed is funny, I just figure that is better to try and find humor in the situation, then dwell in how crappy it seems to be. My mom is not that big on the jokes I make, about being depressed or depression medication.
The way I see it, there is nothing wrong with my making jokes. It is not like I think that it is hilarious, or that I want others to be depressed. I am just trying to see the bright side, well, if there ever will be a bright side. I am tired of feeling down and lonely and depressed all of the time, so why should I make it worse by wallowing in it? That is right, I should not be wallowing. And a joke (about yourself) never hurt anyone else (intentionally) so I will probably keep making joke. I need to keep trying to find the Auror in the field of dark wizards, the Ginger in the crowd of blondes.
But, I do wonder if I take it a bit to far with my mom. I think she may be sensitive to such jokes, and I should try to hold them off, until when she is not around. I do not know. What do you think? Do you make depression, therapy or any other sort of jokes about something you have? And do people get annoyed or angry when you make them? I can not be the only one, right?

The Girl Uninspired.

October 12, 2009

October 12th, 2009

I wish there was a way to go back in time to yesterday. Yesterday, was great. I went to church with my best friend, it was different then my church, but it was nice all the same, I am even thinking about going with her again, next week. We hung out at her house, watched Wall-e, her parents cooked amazing food. And I had no responsibilities. It was my first real sleep over, and it was awesome.
Now, I am home. I really hate it here. I get lonely so easily, and practically lock myself in my room, to avoid my parents. I love them, but they are driving me nuts. I feel as though I am just slave labor to them.
Now, I have today off, to do loads of homework, that I did not get a chance to do this past weekend. Oh dear. Now, atoms....

The Girl Uninspired

October 10, 2009

An Idle Mind Becomes a Sad One

When I am bored, or can not find something to do, my depression levels increase greatly. It is not when I am sitting in class, stairing at the clock, because I just doodle then or talk to a classmate who is sitting close to me. No, It is when I am at home, alone, laying on the floor, doing nothing.
When I do nothing, I do not feel nothing. When I do nothing, I feel like there is nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to, nothing to have passion for. I stop thinking of things that I want to create in my head, and I tend to 'crawl inside myself,' hiding from emotion and feeling, other then pity and sadness. I wallow in such feelings, engross myself in such emotions. I do so, until nothing feels good, and I feel cold, frozen on the inside.
It takes a lot to pull my idle self out of my head. Much prodding, and obnoxious over-zealous hugs are normally in order. And I need someone or something to distract me from feeling so terrible. Even something as simple and my mom and I playing Canasta or Scrabble helps to pull me out of it.
But, I want to be able to get out, all by myself. I want to be a 'big girl.' I just do not know how. How do you do it? How do you go, day after day, with no real positives to look forward too, without crawling back in and locking the door? How do you break down that door once it is locked? Where can I find the key?

The Girl Uninspired

October 8, 2009

October 8th, 2009

I am free, for four days. Our school has us all on a four day weekend, which could not have come at a better time. The male; let us just say, it is his loss and be done with that. School, I feel as though I am doing terribly, hence the gaps in daily posts, caused by my attempt to do homework... sometimes.
I just feel pretty 'blah' in general. We (as in me, my mom and my therapist) do not know why, but, we are trying to think of things that could make me feel better. And less lonely.
Off to 'do homework.'

The Girl Uninspired

October 7, 2009

They Are not Helping

When I say 'they,' I mean some of the people in my life. It is not like they are purposfully making things harder for me, I am pretty positive they are not plotting against me. It is just, sometimes, I do not know what I should do. I love my parents and my close friends, and I really like my other friends. Being around them just seems to put me down sometimes. I just can not seem to put a finger on why it feels like it does.
Let us start with my best friends. We are great together, laughing and yelling, singing and dancing, messing around. But, I look at them, and then myself, and start to feel terrible. It is like they are all so much better then I am, in so many ways. My one friend is a better Musician then I am, and is much more serious and true to her faith then me. And my other friend is prettier and friendlier, and more people like her. Did I mention that they are both athletes too? Yeah, their athletic ablilities are greater then mine as well, which makes me feel even worse about my fat self.
I have other friends then them too. The one seems like he is friends with everyone, which I am totally jealous of, having such terrible people skills. And there are the ones who are amazing artists and writers, who people take seriously as artists and writers. And yet, to almost everyone, I am a joke. And it pisses me off so much.
My parents make me feel terrible too. I love my mother and father, and I know I am lucky to have them both, but some times, I just wish they would leave me alone. My mother is in better shape then I, and when we go shopping, she will reference to: "when I was fat." Do you know what it is like to have a mother skinnier then you? It is terrible, especially when she is constantly rubbing it (indirectly) in your face. It is terrible. And then there is my father. It is like I have to tip toe around him, and do everything I can to not upset him, because if he is unhappy, then everyone is miserable. Just being around him, he who makes me feel like failure, makes me feel terrible.
So, what am I supposed to do, when I feel terrible around the people I care about, and my friends? It is not like I can leave. If I could leave, I would.

The Girl Uninspired

October 5, 2009

October 5th, 2009

I am going to apologize now. The majority of this blog will be about the same thing Saturday's was- The boy.
I woke up to a rough start, having to wear clothes I did not want to wear, almost missing the bus. And then I had  to work with him in English. We were a group of four, but I ended up getting on his nerves. I did not do it on purpose, but it is much easier for me to talk with someone when we are both angry.
I saw him in the halls a few times the rest of the day, and then after school, I did what I have always been afraid to do. I talked with my friend, whose locker is next to his. And when she left, we had a short conversation.
"Can I talk to you?" I asked him.
"Okay," he said.
"But you have to promise not to tell anyone."
"Sure."
"And do not laugh."
"Okay..."
"I like you," I said, and then turned down the hall and went to the art room to work on my project. I only saw his face out of the corner of my eye- but he looked stunned.
I know he does not like me, but it was good to get it off my chest. Now, I have to worry about how badly tomorrow will go.

The Girl Uninspired

October 4, 2009

Let the Frustration Out

I have a tendancy to let my anger and frustration build up over time. It is like I am afraid to let it out, and I fear that once I start, I will not be able to stop. It is like I think that if I uncork my bottle full of emotion, I will not ever be able to put the cork back on if I needed too.
So, I do not tell people how I feel, other then my therapist, and I let my anger build. This leads to a huge explosion. It starts with a rough morning, of forgetting to bring something to school, or missing the bus. Then, I have a terrible day at school, getting laughed at by my classmates. I take the bus home, getting more crap from classmates, and then I run into my parents. My father is inevitably in a terrible mood and yells at me, causing me to go off, not on him, but on my mom. I take a lot out on her. I do not do it on purpose, but it is like, I yell at her because I know that she will still love me, even after I through a fit or flip my lid.
This pattern of holding it in and then blowing up is not working for me, my family, friends, or my mental health. I have never really looked for a release for stress or anger before, and I fill a bit silly doing things to let out anger. Punching a pillow does not work for me, but I yelled into a pillow for 2 minutes the other day, and felt surprisingly better. But, I can not just go around, soaking pillows with spit as I yell into them.
Stressballs are fun, but a chunk of sculpy clay is more effective in letting me let out my anger. And Animal Crackers. Biting someone's head off, after naming it, is nice, but I do not want to be relying on food for anything, even if it is not a daily thing.
I have not really tried anything else to relieve stress, I do not know much of how, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Like, something to do instaed of yelling into pillows, scribbling and smashing balls of clay, making loud grunting noises. I am all ears.

The Girl Uninspired.

October 3, 2009

October 3rd, 2009

Today was, well, a very so-so kind of day. We had the parade and then the homecoming football game. I am in marching band, so I was at the school at 11:45 and the game started at 3. Marching was fine, and I had some of my friends there, so it was not to bad. Then, I went to watch the last half of the game.
I met a few of my friends at the field in the middle of the third quarter. We were laughing and joking, until I saw him. This boy, who I have liked since, it feels like, forever. We ended up watching the game from 3 feet down the fence. And I spoke only to him once, at the end. And I messed up my football lingo. And sounded like an idiot.
This is what I dwell upon. It is not like he likes me anyway, and I had a kick ass day. We joked, and danced around and were goofy band kids. But the boy is all I can think about.
Damn him and his sexy.

The Girl Uninspired. 

October 1, 2009

October 1st, 2009

I am still terribly Mood-swing-gy. But, I refuse to believe that it is 'PMS.' It seems like a load of crap to me... except cramps, those I believe in. I am terribly sore and stiff, not that I really have a reason to be so. I am teetering on the brink of blocks: writer's, musician's and artist's. I thought I was full of inspiration and ideas, but they are draining from my mind quicker then smoke from between your fingers. I have no clue what to do.
In other news, I am still terribly fat. Motivation has left me even faster then ideas. I keep spending my time daydreaming, of days free of responsibilities, and wonderful things I want, but know I can never have; like talent, my father to understand me, the boy I like to like me back, and better grades. But, alas, nothing will change, unless I work to change it... and that does not seem very likely.

The Girl Uninspired.

All You Need Are Hugs

In my opinion, the world would be a better place, if everyone gave everyone else more hugs. It is not that I think we should all start jumping on each other, and cheating and lying in relationships. I just know that, if every day was Hug 'Me' day, I would be a lot happier. It is not that I think hugs are the niftiest things around, or I need human contact. It is that when I am getting a hug, I feel important, like someone cares about me. I have caring parents, and great friends who think of me and try to cheer me up, but sometimes it does not feel like much.
I come from a loving family. I have a mom and a dad, one set of surviving Grandparents, 5 Aunts and Uncles, and four cousins. Then, you have the friends of mom that are close enough to being blood realated, that they are treated as such. But, even with so many people around me, who I know care for me deeply, I still feel alone. I have so much of my own 'alone time,' I start to just crave attention. I just get the feeling as though no one wants to see me, and crawl up in a play, praying that someone would care enough to come and spend time with me. I am like a new puppy; if you leave them alone long enough, they can become destructive.
But, I do not become destructive. I do not chew pillows, or piss on the furnature, or rip up curtains. I just lose any shred of motivation I had left. We have pets up the wazoo; a dog, birds, cats- even a crayfish named puppy. But it still is not enough. I need human contact. This only child needs school to keep her spirits up. I may hate a lot of the people there, and they may like to laugh at me, but, atleast when I am at school, I do not feel so, alone.
So, if you know an only child, or someone who is depressed, or lives by themselves, Give them a hug. :)

The Girl Uninspired.