Right now, I feel absolutly good. I am at school, sitting between some of my best friends, sending each other obnoxious messages from two computers down. I have no clue how the rest of the day will go- it is only second period. But, right now, I am totally content. I am going to try and be optimistic for the rest of the day. And hope to avoid the mood swings.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 30, 2009
September 29, 2009
September 29th, 2009
I fear that I am going through 'Mood swings.' It is not intentional (I doubt they ever are) and it is driving me mad. My mood changes so rapidly, that I can experience four different emotions in one class period of forty-six minutes. I have no clue why, and it is annoying.
I stated this drawing about a week ago, and I have no real urge to finish it. I promised it for someone, so I have too, I just can not make myself. It looks good so far, I just lack the motivation.
School is similar in the lack of motivation. Maybe, one day, I will be really motivated for once.
I can not wait for that day.
The Girl Uninspired.
I stated this drawing about a week ago, and I have no real urge to finish it. I promised it for someone, so I have too, I just can not make myself. It looks good so far, I just lack the motivation.
School is similar in the lack of motivation. Maybe, one day, I will be really motivated for once.
I can not wait for that day.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 28, 2009
How Do I Motivate Thee?
Or, do I first need to motivate me? My biggest problem, being depressed, is that I can not find a way to motivate myself, to do pretty much anything. Though, some days, I do have a spurt of motivation, many days, I do pretty much, nothing. It is this frustrating roller coaster of wanting to do things, and not, and I want off.
It is not like I have not tried to find a way to motivate myself, it is just very hard to find an effective way, that lasts long. At night, I put a post-it note on my alarm, of something to look foreward to the next day. But, some nights it is hard to think of a good then, then it is other nights. Some nights, the only thing that I can think will be good the next day, is that I will get a hug from my mom. That makes me feel pathetic.
I must admit that mom is the person who works the hardest to help motivate me.
My mom tries so hard to help me, and I will always be greatful for her. On the days I am most down, laying on the floor, half paying attention to what Prince Caspian is saying, or how many times Hermione glares at Ron, she grabs her fork lift and tries to pick me up off the ground. Her and I stop everything, well it is mostly her dropping things, and we play a board game or card game. We bend the rules and play for fun, not caring if she beats me in scrabble by ten points or if I beat her at canasta by fifty.
I realized, thanks to the therapist, that any motivation I had, came from an unhelpful source. All of my previous motivation seemed to come from trying to not get my father mad at me. It was as though I tip-toed around him, and worked hard only when it seemed like it would make him happy, which it did not do.
But now I am trying to find motivation for me, I am trying to live for me. I am the only me I have.
The Girl Uninspired.
It is not like I have not tried to find a way to motivate myself, it is just very hard to find an effective way, that lasts long. At night, I put a post-it note on my alarm, of something to look foreward to the next day. But, some nights it is hard to think of a good then, then it is other nights. Some nights, the only thing that I can think will be good the next day, is that I will get a hug from my mom. That makes me feel pathetic.
I must admit that mom is the person who works the hardest to help motivate me.
My mom tries so hard to help me, and I will always be greatful for her. On the days I am most down, laying on the floor, half paying attention to what Prince Caspian is saying, or how many times Hermione glares at Ron, she grabs her fork lift and tries to pick me up off the ground. Her and I stop everything, well it is mostly her dropping things, and we play a board game or card game. We bend the rules and play for fun, not caring if she beats me in scrabble by ten points or if I beat her at canasta by fifty.
I realized, thanks to the therapist, that any motivation I had, came from an unhelpful source. All of my previous motivation seemed to come from trying to not get my father mad at me. It was as though I tip-toed around him, and worked hard only when it seemed like it would make him happy, which it did not do.
But now I am trying to find motivation for me, I am trying to live for me. I am the only me I have.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 26, 2009
September 26th, 2009
It is times like these, where I kind of fear that I am not progressing or just plateauing. I fear that I am going backward in my attempts at being a happy, healthy person, who is not hurt by her depression. At school, my emotions seem to be on a roller coaster, one moment I am happy, the next I want to curl up in a ball and sob. Even my friends are starting drive me nuts, and I do not know why. What am I doing wrong? I want to be right, for once.
The Girl Uninspired
The Girl Uninspired
September 25, 2009
Different People have Different Symptoms
When talking to the people I know, if you mention depression, they automatically think of people who are suicidal. Yes, people who are depressed may be suicidal, but it is not the only symptom. I will not be telling all of the kids at school that I am depressed, because of this initial thought that depression equals suicide, and vice versa. My close friends know, because they do not jump to conclusions, but other people, not so much.
My symptoms are not that I have thoughts of suicide, or I try to hurt myself. My symptoms are totally different, all centered around motivation and energy, or a lack there of. I can not get up in the morning, because I see no point, nothing to look forward too. I have very little energy to do things, most of the time. I find the things I love; drawing, reading and writing- less enjoyable, and I do them less. I feel alone almost all of the time, even when I am with large groups of people, and friends. And, I have social anxieties, like I am afraid I will get embarassed, and I fear rejection.
I have not met another person, offline, who has admitted that they were depressed- but I know that some of the people I know are in fact depressed, diagnosed or not. Many people are depressed, but show few signs to other people.
I think more people need to learn about depression, so they stop making assumptions, and those who are depressed are more likely to get what they need. Like feelings of importants, support and hope.
Are you depressed? What symptoms do you have? Do you know someone who is depressed?
The Girl Uninspired.
My symptoms are not that I have thoughts of suicide, or I try to hurt myself. My symptoms are totally different, all centered around motivation and energy, or a lack there of. I can not get up in the morning, because I see no point, nothing to look forward too. I have very little energy to do things, most of the time. I find the things I love; drawing, reading and writing- less enjoyable, and I do them less. I feel alone almost all of the time, even when I am with large groups of people, and friends. And, I have social anxieties, like I am afraid I will get embarassed, and I fear rejection.
I have not met another person, offline, who has admitted that they were depressed- but I know that some of the people I know are in fact depressed, diagnosed or not. Many people are depressed, but show few signs to other people.
I think more people need to learn about depression, so they stop making assumptions, and those who are depressed are more likely to get what they need. Like feelings of importants, support and hope.
Are you depressed? What symptoms do you have? Do you know someone who is depressed?
The Girl Uninspired.
September 23, 2009
September 23rd, 2009
I had a very, well not bad, but not good day? It started with getting yelled at in the morning, even though I did my chores. Then, we had a very upset best friend, forgotten homework and lots of rushing around and not being happy. Add that to a not bad but not good quiz grade or two, and add me and my father being sick. Yeah, that was my day.
Not terribly eventful, but I did run today. I still feel sick and my breathing is impaired, but I was only seven seconds off of my mile time from the last time I ran, the 15th, so I guess it was not to bad. Now I am off to shower and try to sleep. Yay, sleep.
The Girl Uninspired.
Not terribly eventful, but I did run today. I still feel sick and my breathing is impaired, but I was only seven seconds off of my mile time from the last time I ran, the 15th, so I guess it was not to bad. Now I am off to shower and try to sleep. Yay, sleep.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 22, 2009
September 22nd, 2009
I am still in a remarkably happy mood today. Why, I do not know. I am not complaining, but I would really like to know what has gotten my spirits up, so I can keep them up. I may be mentally happy, but physically, I still feel like crap. Fun fact, being sick and sweating with a fever that seems almost constant, and eating less has caused me to lose three pounds. It is nice, but seriously, I can not loose it on my own, I need to get sick? This just pisses me off. I want to lose the weight, by myself. I want to be able to make myself better. I am just so frustrated.
The Girl Uninspired.
The Girl Uninspired.
Does Mental instability lead to Physical instability, or Vice Versa?
One word that describes me very well, would be 'Clumsy.' I have always been a very clumsy person; running into walls, tripping up stairs, falling over invisible objects. But, I wonder if Mental Instability, like depression or other mental imbalances, make this worse. I could be paranoid, or maybe looking for a reason why I fall ALL THE TIME, or the worse I feel, the worse I stumble around.
For example, the last time I yelled at my mother, I felt like a terrible person, and I ened up tripping up the stairs on the way to my room, and then ran into the door, because I did not turn the door nob enough before trying to walk through it. And last year in school, I ended up arguing with an old 'friend' and then smashed my face when I opened my locker during passing time.
But then again, I guess I could just cluts-out more when I have raging emotion. I have a tendancy to trip when I am skipping around, due to joyous reasons, and when I am having a hell of a good time in band, I have poked my eye out more then once with my mouth peice.
Now I am not so sure. Any Thoughts?
The Girl Uninspired.
For example, the last time I yelled at my mother, I felt like a terrible person, and I ened up tripping up the stairs on the way to my room, and then ran into the door, because I did not turn the door nob enough before trying to walk through it. And last year in school, I ended up arguing with an old 'friend' and then smashed my face when I opened my locker during passing time.
But then again, I guess I could just cluts-out more when I have raging emotion. I have a tendancy to trip when I am skipping around, due to joyous reasons, and when I am having a hell of a good time in band, I have poked my eye out more then once with my mouth peice.
Now I am not so sure. Any Thoughts?
The Girl Uninspired.
September 21, 2009
September 21st, 2009
Today I was in a good mood all through school and since I have been home. It's been hours and I have written and drawn and talk to friends. I haven't accomplished much, but I feel as though I had a good day.
September 20, 2009
September 20th, 2009
Alas, I am still Ill with some sort of flu-thing. But it is okay, I guess. I got my laptop back, after many months of grounding from it. And yesterday, I did some work around the house, so I may get a bonus for that. Yay?
I still feel really blah, but I have written a few hundred words, and have started a drawing of Fenrir Greyback, so I guess progress is good. Gosh, I feel sick
The Girl Uninspired
I still feel really blah, but I have written a few hundred words, and have started a drawing of Fenrir Greyback, so I guess progress is good. Gosh, I feel sick
The Girl Uninspired
September 19, 2009
Anger Is Definatly Not Helpful
I get discouraged really easily, and I did this well before I showed any symptoms of depression. But now that I am depressed, my quick temper seems to make everything much worse. It is though I have lost any control of my emotions, and no longer can keep them in check. Not only does this make me feel terrible, but it has started to put a toll on all of my relationships with people.
I have four best friends who I go to school with, and I have two others who I call my long-distance best friends. I have more then four friends in school, but I am quickly losing them. I used to be able to hold my tongue and all of my sarcastic comments. But now, it is though, the second they start to complain or whine, I jump on them. I have become so much more irritable, and I do not know how to change. I am afraid that, if I can not change, and control my temper better, I may end high school with no friends.
What is even worse then how I over-react and get mad at my friends, is how I over-react and get very angry at my mother and father. I have yelled at my mother, causing her to get angry at me, and not talk to me. But, my biggest problem is when I clash with my father. We have a difference in opinion, and we go off. I have stoped trying to yell at him, or get him to see what I am trying to say. But after he yells at me, I am full of resentment, and I hold on to my anger. This clouds my judgment for the rest of the day, or week, and I do things to purposfully annoy him.
Yes, I hold a grudge. I do not know how to let things go. I can not be the only one who does this, can I? Do any of you have similar problems? Is anyone else really angry, all the time?
The Girl Uninspired
I have four best friends who I go to school with, and I have two others who I call my long-distance best friends. I have more then four friends in school, but I am quickly losing them. I used to be able to hold my tongue and all of my sarcastic comments. But now, it is though, the second they start to complain or whine, I jump on them. I have become so much more irritable, and I do not know how to change. I am afraid that, if I can not change, and control my temper better, I may end high school with no friends.
What is even worse then how I over-react and get mad at my friends, is how I over-react and get very angry at my mother and father. I have yelled at my mother, causing her to get angry at me, and not talk to me. But, my biggest problem is when I clash with my father. We have a difference in opinion, and we go off. I have stoped trying to yell at him, or get him to see what I am trying to say. But after he yells at me, I am full of resentment, and I hold on to my anger. This clouds my judgment for the rest of the day, or week, and I do things to purposfully annoy him.
Yes, I hold a grudge. I do not know how to let things go. I can not be the only one who does this, can I? Do any of you have similar problems? Is anyone else really angry, all the time?
The Girl Uninspired
September 18, 2009
September 18th, 2009
I am still sick, but doing my best not to really 'feel' it. I did go to school, and I payed attention, instead of crawling in a ball in my oversized green hoodie after drawing. I do have a blankie, I have had it since I was a baby, but my security blanket definatly seems to be my hoodie. It is terribly stretched out, but in it I feel warm and safe. I do not feel warm and safe as much as (I think) I should.
Appart from my suden cold-like symptoms, there really is nothing new in my life. It is a shame really, I would love some adventure. I have no plans for Saturday or Sunday, other then cleaning and 'doing homework,' so I have no idea how it will go.
And, Rachel: Thanks, I am praying for you too, Sister :)
The Girl Uninspired.
Appart from my suden cold-like symptoms, there really is nothing new in my life. It is a shame really, I would love some adventure. I have no plans for Saturday or Sunday, other then cleaning and 'doing homework,' so I have no idea how it will go.
And, Rachel: Thanks, I am praying for you too, Sister :)
The Girl Uninspired.
September 17, 2009
September 17th, 2009
Today I have felt like crap. But, for once it is physically and not just mentally. I always feel like mental crap, but now I get to really FEEL the pain. Not that it is a good thing, but it is a change. Change means less boring.
I went to see my therapist yesterday, and I was really upbeat and happy. I talked about positive changes that have gone on in my life, how I am working to improve myself. But, then I got home, and felt terrible again. Part of me wonders if I do not want to get better. Why, is beyond me, but I guess I do not know.
It figures that I get sick right after I decide to get healthy. Not only is sick the opposite of healthy, all I do when I am sick is lay around and sniff my nose. Hopefully sleep will lead to healing.
The Girl Uninspired
I went to see my therapist yesterday, and I was really upbeat and happy. I talked about positive changes that have gone on in my life, how I am working to improve myself. But, then I got home, and felt terrible again. Part of me wonders if I do not want to get better. Why, is beyond me, but I guess I do not know.
It figures that I get sick right after I decide to get healthy. Not only is sick the opposite of healthy, all I do when I am sick is lay around and sniff my nose. Hopefully sleep will lead to healing.
The Girl Uninspired
September 16, 2009
I am Fat.
Before you try and say, 'oh no, you are not fat,' I have something to tell you. Fat is a synonym for Obese. I am obese. Ergo, I am fat.
I am not trying to use it as an excuse for my depression, on the contrary, I want to use it. I lack self-confidence, and self-esteem, I always have. I want to become 'less fat,' healthy. Just think, if I lost weight, I would feel better, and look better and that would boost my confidence, and reduce some of my stress and social anxiety. Like, I do not like to eat infront of people, because it makes me think that they are assuming that I am a fat pig.
I put myself down a lot, which has a lot to do with my weight. I kind of laugh and joke, going 'atleast you are not fat like me,' and calling myself 'repulsive.' But, a big part of me knows that I am fat and ugly and repulsive. No one has ever called me fat directly, but one of the worst days of my life was when a boy on my bus last year told me that, I could not be a vegetarian, because vegetarians were supposed to be skinny. I then flipped him off, got off the bus and ran into the house and cried for an hour.
Since that boy said what he did, eating makes me feel guilty, and I have even more social anxieties then I already had. I feel as though people are whispering behind my back, about how fat and gross I am, and I do not like sitting in the back of the room, because it can be hard to squeeze between desks without moving them.
So I am going to lose weight. Right now, I weigh 161 Pounds. I will run more, eat healthier and drink less soda. I will eat less crap food and not after 7 PM. I want to feel better about myself. It will take some time, but I have too. I need to stop using food as a crutch, because It does not make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. Any insight, help or suggestions would be greatly appreciate. I can not do this alone.
The Girl Uninspired.
I am not trying to use it as an excuse for my depression, on the contrary, I want to use it. I lack self-confidence, and self-esteem, I always have. I want to become 'less fat,' healthy. Just think, if I lost weight, I would feel better, and look better and that would boost my confidence, and reduce some of my stress and social anxiety. Like, I do not like to eat infront of people, because it makes me think that they are assuming that I am a fat pig.
I put myself down a lot, which has a lot to do with my weight. I kind of laugh and joke, going 'atleast you are not fat like me,' and calling myself 'repulsive.' But, a big part of me knows that I am fat and ugly and repulsive. No one has ever called me fat directly, but one of the worst days of my life was when a boy on my bus last year told me that, I could not be a vegetarian, because vegetarians were supposed to be skinny. I then flipped him off, got off the bus and ran into the house and cried for an hour.
Since that boy said what he did, eating makes me feel guilty, and I have even more social anxieties then I already had. I feel as though people are whispering behind my back, about how fat and gross I am, and I do not like sitting in the back of the room, because it can be hard to squeeze between desks without moving them.
So I am going to lose weight. Right now, I weigh 161 Pounds. I will run more, eat healthier and drink less soda. I will eat less crap food and not after 7 PM. I want to feel better about myself. It will take some time, but I have too. I need to stop using food as a crutch, because It does not make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. Any insight, help or suggestions would be greatly appreciate. I can not do this alone.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 15, 2009
September 15th, 2009
I have had a fourth good day at school. So, four down and 176 days to go. I have this terrible feeling that I will soon get introuble and everything is going to go to hell. It is like a dark cloud looming overhead. But, I should try to ignore said cloud, and focus on the good things, like how I like my teachers, and joined a club. The new kid is gay (which is a waste, since he is so sexy. Oh well, he is still nice) but I still get to play bassoon and he is a really nice guy, so that is okay.
On a very happy note, on of the story collaberations I am working on with an internet friend of mine has begun. We worked on the prologue together and we will start alternating writing the chapters. I am so excited. And I have been uploading drawings. I am being productive. Why, I do not know. But I will take it anyway.
The Girl Uninspired.
On a very happy note, on of the story collaberations I am working on with an internet friend of mine has begun. We worked on the prologue together and we will start alternating writing the chapters. I am so excited. And I have been uploading drawings. I am being productive. Why, I do not know. But I will take it anyway.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 14, 2009
September 14th, 2009
I have only had three days of school, but so far, so good. I am happy with pretty much all of my classes, with good teachers and a relativly nice bunch of kids in most of them. 'X' did not show up in the class we have together, which made me happy, and to make the class better, a friend of mine was transfered in. My first period class even got a new student, so I get to do something that I really wanted to do, since he is filling my position.
My 'Home life' seems surprisingly positive as well. But, I am not sure if it is because I am actually getting off my ass and doing things, or because my father and I have not interacted much. I do not know, only time will tell, I guess. Now, to go study, because I have yet to fall behind in my studies as of the third day of class. Then, I shall run, a mile minimum. Joy.
The Girl Uninspired.
My 'Home life' seems surprisingly positive as well. But, I am not sure if it is because I am actually getting off my ass and doing things, or because my father and I have not interacted much. I do not know, only time will tell, I guess. Now, to go study, because I have yet to fall behind in my studies as of the third day of class. Then, I shall run, a mile minimum. Joy.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 13, 2009
September 13th, 2009
Today was not a day full of adventure or excitement. Today I did chores and went shopping for a binder for school. I did my homework, so that on day three, I will not be behind in my schoolwork. The day dragged along and was incredibly warm and humid, even though it should not be. But, there is a slight chance I was just having a really really long heat stroke, at 16. I doubt that though.
I kind of wish I had more people to talk to on weekends. I mean, I went to an awesome birthday party yesterday, but I still get really lonely, really quickly. I do not know, but I hope I think of something to cut down on my 'alone time' (which I still can not believe I, the most anti-social person I know, want to do) some time soon. I am off to run and then sleep. I need more sleep, I think that would help.
The Girl Uninspired.
I kind of wish I had more people to talk to on weekends. I mean, I went to an awesome birthday party yesterday, but I still get really lonely, really quickly. I do not know, but I hope I think of something to cut down on my 'alone time' (which I still can not believe I, the most anti-social person I know, want to do) some time soon. I am off to run and then sleep. I need more sleep, I think that would help.
The Girl Uninspired.
I Do Not Want To Get Up
Seriously. I never want to get up. If I were aloud too, I would probably sleep for days at a time. When I am asleep, I am not in trouble. When I am asleep I have no responsiblities. When I am asleep, I can dream. Well, more like attempt to dream. It has been a very long time since I have remembered any of my dreams, that were pleasant. I can remember pleanty of nightmares; death, destruction and sorrow. But happy dreams, not so much.
It is not so much that I want to sleep. Mostly, it is that I do not want to do anything. I do not want to get up and go to school, I do not want to feed the pets and clean their cages. I do not want to do chores and I definatly do not want to be held responsible for my actions. So subconciously, I think that if I do not get up at five thirty in the morning (Or any time after that) I will be able to avoid all of the things that ail my mind. When, in truth, the less I get up, the more trouble I get in. When I do not get up, the time at which I am forced to go to bed gets moved earlier and earlier, and I lose privalages like the use of the computer and television. Then, when I lose privalages, I lose even more motivation and become more defiant. I dig my heels in and resist doing anything, and whind up laying around all day, getting nothing done. It is just a vicious cycle, getting worse and worse.
The problem is that I am running out of Ideas, ways to help myself get up. Every night, I think of something to look forward for the next day, and I put it on a sticky note on my alarm clock, over the numbers. (after I set it) But it still isn't really much to help me motivate myself to get up. And I would rather not have to drink a liter of water when I go to bed, so I wake up having to use the bathroom. I have done that way to many times. So, if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.
The Girl Uninspired
It is not so much that I want to sleep. Mostly, it is that I do not want to do anything. I do not want to get up and go to school, I do not want to feed the pets and clean their cages. I do not want to do chores and I definatly do not want to be held responsible for my actions. So subconciously, I think that if I do not get up at five thirty in the morning (Or any time after that) I will be able to avoid all of the things that ail my mind. When, in truth, the less I get up, the more trouble I get in. When I do not get up, the time at which I am forced to go to bed gets moved earlier and earlier, and I lose privalages like the use of the computer and television. Then, when I lose privalages, I lose even more motivation and become more defiant. I dig my heels in and resist doing anything, and whind up laying around all day, getting nothing done. It is just a vicious cycle, getting worse and worse.
The problem is that I am running out of Ideas, ways to help myself get up. Every night, I think of something to look forward for the next day, and I put it on a sticky note on my alarm clock, over the numbers. (after I set it) But it still isn't really much to help me motivate myself to get up. And I would rather not have to drink a liter of water when I go to bed, so I wake up having to use the bathroom. I have done that way to many times. So, if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.
The Girl Uninspired
September 12, 2009
September 12th, 2009
Today, I hung out with friends and felt wonderful. I mean, I seem most of them five days a week, but I forgot how great it was to be with them, and not have to worry about being myself. I can get crazy and loud, and let loose. I got to laugh and joke and be weird. It was amazing.
I was up at seven thirty, which meant I was half an hour late, but I got moving quickly, so I avoided trouble. And I went shopping with mom, for a gift for my friend. We picked up another friend of mine and went to the party. We played Guitar hero and Zelda and Mario Cart. We were loud and obnoxious, yelling "Press A!" or "Fight the flying thing-y!" I ate more then I normally do in a week, and got to meet someone I had only heard stories of and talk to online; she was even more awesome then I expected.
Today was a good day, I felt happy. Here hoping for some more awesome good days.
The Girl Uninspired.
I was up at seven thirty, which meant I was half an hour late, but I got moving quickly, so I avoided trouble. And I went shopping with mom, for a gift for my friend. We picked up another friend of mine and went to the party. We played Guitar hero and Zelda and Mario Cart. We were loud and obnoxious, yelling "Press A!" or "Fight the flying thing-y!" I ate more then I normally do in a week, and got to meet someone I had only heard stories of and talk to online; she was even more awesome then I expected.
Today was a good day, I felt happy. Here hoping for some more awesome good days.
The Girl Uninspired.
September 11, 2009
September 11th, 2009
After two days of school, I want to be done. The sense of Monotomy, the boringness of my day to day life at school, has hit me hard, like a brick to the chest. I do not want to be in the motions that I have always been in. I get up, go to school, come home, go to bed. It is like I do not do anything else. I have worked hard to keep my spirits and motivation up. And my mom has helped me, like helping me study with the flashcards that I have made. But, I fear that any progress I have made, may slip away.
But, let us try to focus on something that is positive. I have friends in more then half of my classes, three of them being with my most bestest friend my age, and one with one of my best friends the grade below me. I was able to get out of the class that they tried to make me take, for the second year in a row, and got a new History class. That means, one less class with 'X,' and a lot less stress about having them talk to me. I got my locker changed too, which was a very stressful thing. My father would not wait until they were changing all of those who had problems, which caused more problems. Let us just say, I am getting a new lock on Monday.
I am very tired, which is not a good sign, and much more irritable then normal. I fear that I will lose all the 'back-to-school' motivation I had. Any one else have the back to school blues?
Girl Uninspired.
But, let us try to focus on something that is positive. I have friends in more then half of my classes, three of them being with my most bestest friend my age, and one with one of my best friends the grade below me. I was able to get out of the class that they tried to make me take, for the second year in a row, and got a new History class. That means, one less class with 'X,' and a lot less stress about having them talk to me. I got my locker changed too, which was a very stressful thing. My father would not wait until they were changing all of those who had problems, which caused more problems. Let us just say, I am getting a new lock on Monday.
I am very tired, which is not a good sign, and much more irritable then normal. I fear that I will lose all the 'back-to-school' motivation I had. Any one else have the back to school blues?
Girl Uninspired.
September 10, 2009
September 10th, 2009
I am officially a Junior in high school, and my first day was definatly better then I expected. I thought that I would go to school and just get laughed at and be miserable, but I was terribly mistaken. I found a friend in all but one of my classes, and I have a couple classes without anyone who has the same first name then me, which did not happen once last year. I get to take three electives a semester this year, by dropping lunch and foreign language. I am just on cloud 9 right now.
Well, except for the fact that the could above cloud nine, is a rain cloud. My math class, I need to change it. It is the same one I took last year, and am so terribly bored, even my doodles were doodling. And my locker is so far away from the exit and my last class of the day, I can not go to my locker and make the bus to go home. I could live with that, I am working on changing math classes, and my father called the school to get me a new locker. No, the only real problem, is that I have two classes with 'X.'
If you can recall, 'X,' is a person I first encountered when I was a freshman, two years ago. This person did many things that I view as morally wrong. I do not know why, but I stayed their friend; I wish I had not. I saw them very little last year, and went from January until the last day of school before seeing them again. I saw them when My mother and I went out to lunch. And now they are in two of my classes.
'X' cause me so much pain, and is one of the reasons of my depression. I have finally started to be happy again. I do not know what I will do if they try to talk to me. Only 179 days left to try and avoid them, that is the only thing I know to do. I refuse to relapse. I refuse to let them take me down. Again.
The Girl Uninspired.
Well, except for the fact that the could above cloud nine, is a rain cloud. My math class, I need to change it. It is the same one I took last year, and am so terribly bored, even my doodles were doodling. And my locker is so far away from the exit and my last class of the day, I can not go to my locker and make the bus to go home. I could live with that, I am working on changing math classes, and my father called the school to get me a new locker. No, the only real problem, is that I have two classes with 'X.'
If you can recall, 'X,' is a person I first encountered when I was a freshman, two years ago. This person did many things that I view as morally wrong. I do not know why, but I stayed their friend; I wish I had not. I saw them very little last year, and went from January until the last day of school before seeing them again. I saw them when My mother and I went out to lunch. And now they are in two of my classes.
'X' cause me so much pain, and is one of the reasons of my depression. I have finally started to be happy again. I do not know what I will do if they try to talk to me. Only 179 days left to try and avoid them, that is the only thing I know to do. I refuse to relapse. I refuse to let them take me down. Again.
The Girl Uninspired.
Role Play Dependancy
I know many people who like to create like I do, and most of them seem to suggest the same thing to help get my creative juices flowing; RPG'ing or joining and participating in a Role Playing Game. Text based RPG's, like those that my friends and I like to indulge in, are simply forums, where you create a character, and type out that character's thoughts, feelings and actions. There is nothing wrong with RPGs, I find them highly enjoyable. But, sometimes I wonder if I enjoy them to much. RPG'ing is a great way to de-stress and escape for a while, to a different world, and interact with others. Yet, I still feel as though they are not the best things for me to be partaking in.
As you may have already guessed, or would have guessed later if I was not mentioning it now, I have a very addictive personality. I can quickly become obsessive over something, like a book or a website. It is not like I am some rabid fangirl, I know about my obsessions, that they are not real, but it does not make it any easier. When I am not online, I think about posts I would like to make, or replies I should have made. It is as though even when I am offline, my mind is still somewhere else. I have problems focusing and then holding my focus. I lose my motivation when there is something else I would rather be doing.
I only have a few characters on the only RPG I am active on right now( Back To The Basics), and the site is rather slow. But still, I can not help but wonder if this could be the end of me in the long run. In my head, I can see an image of me typing up character biographies instead of history reports, and drawing character sketches instead of working on art projects. I could get really depressed and just start RP'ing and ignoring all of my responsibilities, which could lead to issues with my parents and school and friends. I do not want to stop RPG'ing. I see that it could potentially be destructive, so I will watch myself. Like everything else, I will do my best to hold back, and keep it from controlling me. I do not think I could take yet another thing in my life, that is hurting me. But, I could use some more patience and restraint.
The Girl Uninspired
As you may have already guessed, or would have guessed later if I was not mentioning it now, I have a very addictive personality. I can quickly become obsessive over something, like a book or a website. It is not like I am some rabid fangirl, I know about my obsessions, that they are not real, but it does not make it any easier. When I am not online, I think about posts I would like to make, or replies I should have made. It is as though even when I am offline, my mind is still somewhere else. I have problems focusing and then holding my focus. I lose my motivation when there is something else I would rather be doing.
I only have a few characters on the only RPG I am active on right now( Back To The Basics), and the site is rather slow. But still, I can not help but wonder if this could be the end of me in the long run. In my head, I can see an image of me typing up character biographies instead of history reports, and drawing character sketches instead of working on art projects. I could get really depressed and just start RP'ing and ignoring all of my responsibilities, which could lead to issues with my parents and school and friends. I do not want to stop RPG'ing. I see that it could potentially be destructive, so I will watch myself. Like everything else, I will do my best to hold back, and keep it from controlling me. I do not think I could take yet another thing in my life, that is hurting me. But, I could use some more patience and restraint.
The Girl Uninspired
September 9, 2009
September 9th, 2009
It is my last day of summer, and I could find no reason to get up this morning. I am afraid this is just how the whole school year will go. I will be a junior, so this is my most important year of school. This just means that, I am screwed. Unless I can find a way to force myself up, and make myself sit and do my homework, I will mess up my grades, not get into college, and have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. There is NO way I will let that happen. I want to get the hell out of here. Now.
But I can not. That thought hit me hard this morning. I am stuck here for two more years, until I turn 18. Then, I will probably high-tail it out of here. All of the colleges that I have looked at, for the most part, are out of state. I want out so bad.
I do have this dream of getting my writing published, so I would not have to go to college, but seeing how I do not have the use of my laptop, therefore have not been writing, I have nothing to edit. I have nothing to show a publisher. So, I have to go to... college. Do I have any other choice? Since, it feels like forever, my father has talked about me going to college, being successful. I know he wants me to have more opportunities then he had, but still. His extra pressure is not helping. At all. I just wonder if he, or any parents in general, realize how much pressure they put on their children.
Well, now I get to go shopping for school clothes. Better late then never, right?
The Girl Uninspired.
But I can not. That thought hit me hard this morning. I am stuck here for two more years, until I turn 18. Then, I will probably high-tail it out of here. All of the colleges that I have looked at, for the most part, are out of state. I want out so bad.
I do have this dream of getting my writing published, so I would not have to go to college, but seeing how I do not have the use of my laptop, therefore have not been writing, I have nothing to edit. I have nothing to show a publisher. So, I have to go to... college. Do I have any other choice? Since, it feels like forever, my father has talked about me going to college, being successful. I know he wants me to have more opportunities then he had, but still. His extra pressure is not helping. At all. I just wonder if he, or any parents in general, realize how much pressure they put on their children.
Well, now I get to go shopping for school clothes. Better late then never, right?
The Girl Uninspired.
September 8, 2009
September 8th, 2009
Today, I have very mix feelings. On one hand, I went to the orthodontist and was told that I will have my braces off by the end of October. I have had them since the summer before freshman year, so I am very excited about that. On the other hand, school starts for me on Thursday. This will mean a decrease in time for me to just sit and draw all afternoon, and an increase in school work. School work is what always kills me.
Since, what feels like, forever, I have had problems with my peers. Such issues led to a dislike of school, and most things related to it. This led to a hatrid of Homework. I would always rush it, doing it in class or on the bus, but that caught up with me when I started high school. Freshman year brought Global History I, and lots of homework. I found it pointless, and almost ened up failing the class, and having to do hours of homework over Christmas break to avoid failing the Quarter.
Then last year, Sophomore year, I found it even harder to motivate myself to do work out side of the halls of education. This led to me almost failing Global History II and Geometry. While I failed neither, this caused my parents to start taking away privalages, and means I have to take Geometry 11 this year, my junior year. Because of my lowering grades in Math and History, my parents came at me, trying to find out what was wrong. I was tested for deficiencies, and odd levels of vitamins. I even had to pee in a cup to convince my parents that I was not doing drugs. (I have never, and will never do drugs.) This lead me to losing any trust or faith in my parents. And, that was when I first went to a therapist. If it were not for my therapist, we would never have realized that I am clinically depressed, and I would not be (hopefully) on the path to a happier life.
So with school starting, I will be working harder then ever to keep up my motivation. I do not know how many daily posts I will be able to make, due to school and marching band. But, I will have a new post (other then the daily posts) every three days. Have a Good Day.
The Girl Uninspired
Since, what feels like, forever, I have had problems with my peers. Such issues led to a dislike of school, and most things related to it. This led to a hatrid of Homework. I would always rush it, doing it in class or on the bus, but that caught up with me when I started high school. Freshman year brought Global History I, and lots of homework. I found it pointless, and almost ened up failing the class, and having to do hours of homework over Christmas break to avoid failing the Quarter.
Then last year, Sophomore year, I found it even harder to motivate myself to do work out side of the halls of education. This led to me almost failing Global History II and Geometry. While I failed neither, this caused my parents to start taking away privalages, and means I have to take Geometry 11 this year, my junior year. Because of my lowering grades in Math and History, my parents came at me, trying to find out what was wrong. I was tested for deficiencies, and odd levels of vitamins. I even had to pee in a cup to convince my parents that I was not doing drugs. (I have never, and will never do drugs.) This lead me to losing any trust or faith in my parents. And, that was when I first went to a therapist. If it were not for my therapist, we would never have realized that I am clinically depressed, and I would not be (hopefully) on the path to a happier life.
So with school starting, I will be working harder then ever to keep up my motivation. I do not know how many daily posts I will be able to make, due to school and marching band. But, I will have a new post (other then the daily posts) every three days. Have a Good Day.
The Girl Uninspired
September 7, 2009
Hello
Hello, interweb and all of it's inhabitants. I am a sixteen year old girl, and I live in the United States. I love to create, and want to share how I create, what I create and why I create, with all of you. I like to draw, and write and play music. But, I seem to have hit a road block. My inspiration is dwindling, and I seem to have to fight myself to try and do anything.
I was diagnosed with Depression this past summer, so everything has been a bit, well, hard. It started (I think) a few years back, freshman year of high school. My motivation began to decrease, along with a few grades, in the classes where more work is required. I have always been a pessimist, but my view on life, and other people, began to get increasingly more negative. I was unable to find a reason to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I could not sleep at night, due to a restless mind. Well, and a big thing that disturbed my life, we willl call that thing 'X.' I met X freshman year, and I am sure that X is reason for many of my problems. It is not that I am looking for a scape goat, it is that X put me through my own personal hell.
Back to the Depression. While I have a clinical case, I have not, and shall never be, Suicidal. Luckily, I was brought up to be strong in my faith. And I fear pain. I have a tendancy to over think and make lists of pros and cons. On the top of the con list for suicide, you have 'Miss and live.' I am betting that it would hurt a lot. That, and I feel like Suicide is not only going against the rule, 'Thou shalt not kill,' but It is the Coward's way out. Then again, I have always had problems sympothizing with those who try to hurt or kill themselves. I guess I am not numb enough to understand. and I do not want to be.
So now you know that I am depressed, which is important to know, but Let me get to the point of this blog. I am an artistic person by nature. I thrive to create things, whether they be visual, or words or music, it does not matter. My problem is that, for me to create, I need to bring the passion back. I some times can not force myself to do anything other then laying around and watching the Harry Potter and Narnia movies over and over again. Or, sometimes I lay on my bedroom floor, doing nothing for hours. What I am trying to say is, I want to find a way to motivate myself. I want to feel important for once in my life. I want people to know me for me, and to look toward me for the support that I was never given. I want a connection that will help me reach my potential, even though there is a thick fog keeping me from seeing it, and myself. I do not know if I will change for the better, but I want to change, for good.
The Girl Uninspired
I was diagnosed with Depression this past summer, so everything has been a bit, well, hard. It started (I think) a few years back, freshman year of high school. My motivation began to decrease, along with a few grades, in the classes where more work is required. I have always been a pessimist, but my view on life, and other people, began to get increasingly more negative. I was unable to find a reason to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I could not sleep at night, due to a restless mind. Well, and a big thing that disturbed my life, we willl call that thing 'X.' I met X freshman year, and I am sure that X is reason for many of my problems. It is not that I am looking for a scape goat, it is that X put me through my own personal hell.
Back to the Depression. While I have a clinical case, I have not, and shall never be, Suicidal. Luckily, I was brought up to be strong in my faith. And I fear pain. I have a tendancy to over think and make lists of pros and cons. On the top of the con list for suicide, you have 'Miss and live.' I am betting that it would hurt a lot. That, and I feel like Suicide is not only going against the rule, 'Thou shalt not kill,' but It is the Coward's way out. Then again, I have always had problems sympothizing with those who try to hurt or kill themselves. I guess I am not numb enough to understand. and I do not want to be.
So now you know that I am depressed, which is important to know, but Let me get to the point of this blog. I am an artistic person by nature. I thrive to create things, whether they be visual, or words or music, it does not matter. My problem is that, for me to create, I need to bring the passion back. I some times can not force myself to do anything other then laying around and watching the Harry Potter and Narnia movies over and over again. Or, sometimes I lay on my bedroom floor, doing nothing for hours. What I am trying to say is, I want to find a way to motivate myself. I want to feel important for once in my life. I want people to know me for me, and to look toward me for the support that I was never given. I want a connection that will help me reach my potential, even though there is a thick fog keeping me from seeing it, and myself. I do not know if I will change for the better, but I want to change, for good.
The Girl Uninspired
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