I Hate To Cry

Seriously, I really hate when I cry. When I cry, I get shaky and my face gets puffy and red. It makes me feel weak, like I am not going to be strong again. I wish someone would wipe my tears for me....
Woah, to 'Emo.' Let me just say, if you think it is wrong to cry, do not. You need to let it out I was always told I was trying for sympathy, when I was not. Let it out, even if you hate it.

TGU

My Motto in Life

I try to:
a) Be Happy
b) Learn Every Day
c) Try something new
d) keep most of my blood inside my body at all times.

Now, like the English language, there are exceptions to the rules. Like, I have been known to give up my happiness so that others can be happy. And those summer days, where I do a total of zero educational things.
But, rule 'D' is the one I do my best to follow closest. Sure, I will give blood. But that is it. My blood.

The Girl Uninspired.

I am a Tree Hugging Conservitive.

I guess some people will [eventually] wonder what side of the debate I would fall under. I mean, I am big on life, and not letting people think they have the right to end it. So, naturally, I am pro-life, anti-death penalty, and vegetarian; if it can feel pain, I will not eat it.
But, I would really like to stop sending troops over seas.
And my views on gay people: Let them be gay, as long as no girls touch my bum, and no one is rutting in the streets (because no one, homosexual or heterosexual should be rutting in the streets [to kill a mockingbird reference FTW]) then let them have their marriage. Let them be happy. Then, the gay couples can adopt the babies put up for adoption when they chose to adopt out instead of abort. (It is a win-win in my head.)
So, yeah. In case you wondered. I like Life, and Love.

Friends Mean A Lot

I am not talking about the twelve people at a lunch table, or the kids in the half of the classroom you sit in. I am talking about the friends you can tell everything too, and who tell you everyone. Those who understand why some friends annoy you, and those who know why they annoy you; but do it anyway, because they know you will  always love them. I have one of those.
Well, the more that I think about it, I may have two. But, the number does not matter. But, the one I am sure of, she is my rock. We talk about everything, make each other laugh. We have hugged the other when they were crying and laughed with them on the good days. If it was not for her, I would not be in the state of mind I am in.
My state of mind is defiantly not the best, but it could be worse.
I guess I am just saying, Hug your best friend.

TGU

November 1st, 2009

NaNoWriMo started, and I have 1,500 words written, and none of them were written for my NaNo. They were written for a story I am collabing with a friend of mine. I feel kind of bad that I am not going to tell you my account. I just want to keep this anonymous. Sorry.
I feel bad this is a short entry.

The Girl Uninspired

Happy Halloween!

So, today is halloween, October 31st. And, tonight I am going trick-or-treating with my best friend, and  a few acquaintances. I shall be a death eater (from harry potter.) and am Excited. For once.
I have very little to say, but have fun, and be safe. Very, very safe.

Good Tiding, and a Merry Christmas,

The Girl Uninspired

October 28th, 2009

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. School and parents, and trying to improve at the arts, an balancing chores and homework and fun. It is hard.
I am not liking Hard very much.

TGU

There Will Almost Always Be Someone Better

Now, I am not trying to sound like a Debby Downer, or Negative Nelly, but it is just fact. Every day, someone, somewhere, learns something new. And that person works hard to get better at whatever they are doing. But, the fact of the matter is that they are not the best, and will never be the best. I really hate that.
I want to be a great writer, musician, artist and teacher. But, if I am all of those things, I will never be the best, I will just be good at them.
This is a difficult decision I may have to make.
This Bites.

The Girl Uninspired

I Am A (L)only Child

I was born to a man and a woman. After me, they had no more children, just many many pets. So, this means I am an only child. I hate being an only child.
I get terribly lonely a lot, since my parents both tend to sleep during the day, mom because the hours she works, and dad because he is in poor health. And by the time they are up, I have shut myself in my room, and totally immersed myself in my creative pursuits. And it is very difficult for me to pull myself away for any artistic thing I am working on.
Also, when one is mad at me, the other seems to be always asleep. So, if dad will not even look at me, mom is asleep and I have no one to talk to, so I feel terribly isolated.
There is only one solution. Who wants to share one of their siblings?

The Girl Uninspired

October 22nd, 2009

I got my braces off yesterday, and because of that, I am still 'High on Life.' Yeah, it is cheesy, but seems true, in my case. Today was not that grand, and I will be grounded once father sees my progress report, but I no longer have metal in my mouth.
And I have been talking with a different boy. He does not mood swing. And is nice.
But, I will not just tell him I like him and walk away. I learned my lesson.

The girl Uninspired

I Want to Feel Important

No, I do not want to be the President of the United States, or the Next Oprah. But for once in my life, I want to feel as though the rolls in which I play are important, to someone other God and myself. I feel useless, like dead weight, dead air. It is almost as if I am a penny in a jar of quarters; insignificant and unimportant. I work hard to help my parents, especially when my diabetic father is sick, but that does not get me anywhere.
Maybe, my problem is not that I am unimportant, but I just feel as though everything I do gets overlooked, again and again, day in and day out. I feel very unappreciated, even though I know my mother is glad I do what I do... but then again, my father never tells me anything positive.
So, I do not know. Abnormally short post. I apologize.

The Girl Uninspired

NaNoWriMo

YES! It is a blog post about something artsy verses depression. Huzzah!
It is October, which will lead into November, when one of the biggest things In my life goes on; NaNoWriMo. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and runs from the first of November until Eleven Fifty-Nine at night on the last day of November. You spend the month striving to reach the site goal of fifty thousand words, or one you set yourself (but you only win on the site if you get 50,000 or more.)
I am terribly excited about this, and having my friends do it as well. I will be re-writing last year's NaNoWriMo, changing events, changing characters, and just doing my best to improve the story.
The site is http://www.nanowrimo.org you should join and partake. :)

The Girl Uninspired

October 18th, 2009

I have felt really terrible today, mostly thanks to my parents. They are driving me nuts. First, I woke up to my mother yelling at me for taking a half hour to get up, and then my father yelling at me and giving me so many chores to do. He would not even let me go to church with my friend.
So, I spend most of the day cleaning and working on things in the house, while the two of them slept on the couch all day. I do not remember the last time I was so angry. I was cleaning up their messes, doing what they wanted, and yet nothing was good enough.
I cried today, I was so angry. And I hate to cry. FML

Girl Uninspired

Not Every Day Will Be An Adventure

And I really need to get a grip on that fact. It is not that I want every day to be busy and crazy, but, it is almost as though if there is 'nothing' going on, I just shut down. It is not like I mean to, but unless I can find something to look forward to, I lose interest.
It is as though, if I can not find some wild and crazy thing to look forward too, I feel as though my life is terribly uninteresting, and not worth trying to live to the fullest. I am betting that no one has 365 crazy days a year, or if they do they wish they had more down time. But, I think I have to much down time, or I have had so much lonely down time, that any of it at all, seems as though it is way to much.
I do not know if anyone else feels like this, at times. I can not be the only, right? Meh, I need to stop speculating and comparing. It should not be the most important thing for me to feel the same way others do.
Anyway, do you get the 'nothing-to-look-for' blues too?

The Girl Uninspired

October 14th, 2009

I have been terribly moody recently, and I am trying to figure out why. I feel just odd and roller coasting and it is driving me nuts. I just feel like crap and I have no clue what is causing it. And I do not feel like doing anything but drawing. I am falling back into the old habbits. I am afriad I will not be able to get out of them.

The Girl Uninspired

Sometimes, It is Laugh or You Cry

I make jokes about Depression. It is not that I think being depressed is funny, I just figure that is better to try and find humor in the situation, then dwell in how crappy it seems to be. My mom is not that big on the jokes I make, about being depressed or depression medication.
The way I see it, there is nothing wrong with my making jokes. It is not like I think that it is hilarious, or that I want others to be depressed. I am just trying to see the bright side, well, if there ever will be a bright side. I am tired of feeling down and lonely and depressed all of the time, so why should I make it worse by wallowing in it? That is right, I should not be wallowing. And a joke (about yourself) never hurt anyone else (intentionally) so I will probably keep making joke. I need to keep trying to find the Auror in the field of dark wizards, the Ginger in the crowd of blondes.
But, I do wonder if I take it a bit to far with my mom. I think she may be sensitive to such jokes, and I should try to hold them off, until when she is not around. I do not know. What do you think? Do you make depression, therapy or any other sort of jokes about something you have? And do people get annoyed or angry when you make them? I can not be the only one, right?

The Girl Uninspired.

October 12th, 2009

I wish there was a way to go back in time to yesterday. Yesterday, was great. I went to church with my best friend, it was different then my church, but it was nice all the same, I am even thinking about going with her again, next week. We hung out at her house, watched Wall-e, her parents cooked amazing food. And I had no responsibilities. It was my first real sleep over, and it was awesome.
Now, I am home. I really hate it here. I get lonely so easily, and practically lock myself in my room, to avoid my parents. I love them, but they are driving me nuts. I feel as though I am just slave labor to them.
Now, I have today off, to do loads of homework, that I did not get a chance to do this past weekend. Oh dear. Now, atoms....

The Girl Uninspired

An Idle Mind Becomes a Sad One

When I am bored, or can not find something to do, my depression levels increase greatly. It is not when I am sitting in class, stairing at the clock, because I just doodle then or talk to a classmate who is sitting close to me. No, It is when I am at home, alone, laying on the floor, doing nothing.
When I do nothing, I do not feel nothing. When I do nothing, I feel like there is nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to, nothing to have passion for. I stop thinking of things that I want to create in my head, and I tend to 'crawl inside myself,' hiding from emotion and feeling, other then pity and sadness. I wallow in such feelings, engross myself in such emotions. I do so, until nothing feels good, and I feel cold, frozen on the inside.
It takes a lot to pull my idle self out of my head. Much prodding, and obnoxious over-zealous hugs are normally in order. And I need someone or something to distract me from feeling so terrible. Even something as simple and my mom and I playing Canasta or Scrabble helps to pull me out of it.
But, I want to be able to get out, all by myself. I want to be a 'big girl.' I just do not know how. How do you do it? How do you go, day after day, with no real positives to look forward too, without crawling back in and locking the door? How do you break down that door once it is locked? Where can I find the key?

The Girl Uninspired

October 8th, 2009

I am free, for four days. Our school has us all on a four day weekend, which could not have come at a better time. The male; let us just say, it is his loss and be done with that. School, I feel as though I am doing terribly, hence the gaps in daily posts, caused by my attempt to do homework... sometimes.
I just feel pretty 'blah' in general. We (as in me, my mom and my therapist) do not know why, but, we are trying to think of things that could make me feel better. And less lonely.
Off to 'do homework.'

The Girl Uninspired

They Are not Helping

When I say 'they,' I mean some of the people in my life. It is not like they are purposfully making things harder for me, I am pretty positive they are not plotting against me. It is just, sometimes, I do not know what I should do. I love my parents and my close friends, and I really like my other friends. Being around them just seems to put me down sometimes. I just can not seem to put a finger on why it feels like it does.
Let us start with my best friends. We are great together, laughing and yelling, singing and dancing, messing around. But, I look at them, and then myself, and start to feel terrible. It is like they are all so much better then I am, in so many ways. My one friend is a better Musician then I am, and is much more serious and true to her faith then me. And my other friend is prettier and friendlier, and more people like her. Did I mention that they are both athletes too? Yeah, their athletic ablilities are greater then mine as well, which makes me feel even worse about my fat self.
I have other friends then them too. The one seems like he is friends with everyone, which I am totally jealous of, having such terrible people skills. And there are the ones who are amazing artists and writers, who people take seriously as artists and writers. And yet, to almost everyone, I am a joke. And it pisses me off so much.
My parents make me feel terrible too. I love my mother and father, and I know I am lucky to have them both, but some times, I just wish they would leave me alone. My mother is in better shape then I, and when we go shopping, she will reference to: "when I was fat." Do you know what it is like to have a mother skinnier then you? It is terrible, especially when she is constantly rubbing it (indirectly) in your face. It is terrible. And then there is my father. It is like I have to tip toe around him, and do everything I can to not upset him, because if he is unhappy, then everyone is miserable. Just being around him, he who makes me feel like failure, makes me feel terrible.
So, what am I supposed to do, when I feel terrible around the people I care about, and my friends? It is not like I can leave. If I could leave, I would.

The Girl Uninspired

October 5th, 2009

I am going to apologize now. The majority of this blog will be about the same thing Saturday's was- The boy.
I woke up to a rough start, having to wear clothes I did not want to wear, almost missing the bus. And then I had  to work with him in English. We were a group of four, but I ended up getting on his nerves. I did not do it on purpose, but it is much easier for me to talk with someone when we are both angry.
I saw him in the halls a few times the rest of the day, and then after school, I did what I have always been afraid to do. I talked with my friend, whose locker is next to his. And when she left, we had a short conversation.
"Can I talk to you?" I asked him.
"Okay," he said.
"But you have to promise not to tell anyone."
"Sure."
"And do not laugh."
"Okay..."
"I like you," I said, and then turned down the hall and went to the art room to work on my project. I only saw his face out of the corner of my eye- but he looked stunned.
I know he does not like me, but it was good to get it off my chest. Now, I have to worry about how badly tomorrow will go.

The Girl Uninspired

Let the Frustration Out

I have a tendancy to let my anger and frustration build up over time. It is like I am afraid to let it out, and I fear that once I start, I will not be able to stop. It is like I think that if I uncork my bottle full of emotion, I will not ever be able to put the cork back on if I needed too.
So, I do not tell people how I feel, other then my therapist, and I let my anger build. This leads to a huge explosion. It starts with a rough morning, of forgetting to bring something to school, or missing the bus. Then, I have a terrible day at school, getting laughed at by my classmates. I take the bus home, getting more crap from classmates, and then I run into my parents. My father is inevitably in a terrible mood and yells at me, causing me to go off, not on him, but on my mom. I take a lot out on her. I do not do it on purpose, but it is like, I yell at her because I know that she will still love me, even after I through a fit or flip my lid.
This pattern of holding it in and then blowing up is not working for me, my family, friends, or my mental health. I have never really looked for a release for stress or anger before, and I fill a bit silly doing things to let out anger. Punching a pillow does not work for me, but I yelled into a pillow for 2 minutes the other day, and felt surprisingly better. But, I can not just go around, soaking pillows with spit as I yell into them.
Stressballs are fun, but a chunk of sculpy clay is more effective in letting me let out my anger. And Animal Crackers. Biting someone's head off, after naming it, is nice, but I do not want to be relying on food for anything, even if it is not a daily thing.
I have not really tried anything else to relieve stress, I do not know much of how, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Like, something to do instaed of yelling into pillows, scribbling and smashing balls of clay, making loud grunting noises. I am all ears.

The Girl Uninspired.

October 3rd, 2009

Today was, well, a very so-so kind of day. We had the parade and then the homecoming football game. I am in marching band, so I was at the school at 11:45 and the game started at 3. Marching was fine, and I had some of my friends there, so it was not to bad. Then, I went to watch the last half of the game.

I met a few of my friends at the field in the middle of the third quarter. We were laughing and joking, until I saw him. This boy, who I have liked since, it feels like, forever. We ended up watching the game from 3 feet down the fence. And I spoke only to him once, at the end. And I messed up my football lingo. And sounded like an idiot.

This is what I dwell upon. It is not like he likes me anyway, and I had a kick ass day. We joked, and danced around and were goofy band kids. But the boy is all I can think about.

Damn him and his sexy.

The Girl Uninspired. 

October 1st, 2009

I am still terribly Mood-swing-gy. But, I refuse to believe that it is 'PMS.' It seems like a load of crap to me... except cramps, those I believe in. I am terribly sore and stiff, not that I really have a reason to be so. I am teetering on the brink of blocks: writer's, musician's and artist's. I thought I was full of inspiration and ideas, but they are draining from my mind quicker then smoke from between your fingers. I have no clue what to do.
In other news, I am still terribly fat. Motivation has left me even faster then ideas. I keep spending my time daydreaming, of days free of responsibilities, and wonderful things I want, but know I can never have; like talent, my father to understand me, the boy I like to like me back, and better grades. But, alas, nothing will change, unless I work to change it... and that does not seem very likely.

The Girl Uninspired.

All You Need Are Hugs

In my opinion, the world would be a better place, if everyone gave everyone else more hugs. It is not that I think we should all start jumping on each other, and cheating and lying in relationships. I just know that, if every day was Hug 'Me' day, I would be a lot happier. It is not that I think hugs are the niftiest things around, or I need human contact. It is that when I am getting a hug, I feel important, like someone cares about me. I have caring parents, and great friends who think of me and try to cheer me up, but sometimes it does not feel like much.
I come from a loving family. I have a mom and a dad, one set of surviving Grandparents, 5 Aunts and Uncles, and four cousins. Then, you have the friends of mom that are close enough to being blood realated, that they are treated as such. But, even with so many people around me, who I know care for me deeply, I still feel alone. I have so much of my own 'alone time,' I start to just crave attention. I just get the feeling as though no one wants to see me, and crawl up in a play, praying that someone would care enough to come and spend time with me. I am like a new puppy; if you leave them alone long enough, they can become destructive.
But, I do not become destructive. I do not chew pillows, or piss on the furnature, or rip up curtains. I just lose any shred of motivation I had left. We have pets up the wazoo; a dog, birds, cats- even a crayfish named puppy. But it still is not enough. I need human contact. This only child needs school to keep her spirits up. I may hate a lot of the people there, and they may like to laugh at me, but, atleast when I am at school, I do not feel so, alone.
So, if you know an only child, or someone who is depressed, or lives by themselves, Give them a hug. :)

The Girl Uninspired.

September 30th, 2009

Right now, I feel absolutly good. I am at school, sitting between some of my best friends, sending each other obnoxious messages from two computers down. I have no clue how the rest of the day will go- it is only second period. But, right now, I am totally content. I am going to try and be optimistic for the rest of the day. And hope to avoid the mood swings.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 29th, 2009

I fear that I am going through 'Mood swings.' It is not intentional (I doubt they ever are) and it is driving me mad. My mood changes so rapidly, that I can experience four different emotions in one class period of forty-six minutes. I have no clue why, and it is annoying.
I stated this drawing about a week ago, and I have no real urge to finish it. I promised it for someone, so I have too, I just can not make myself. It looks good so far, I just lack the motivation.
School is similar in the lack of motivation. Maybe, one day, I will be really motivated for once.
I can not wait for that day.

The Girl Uninspired.

How Do I Motivate Thee?

Or, do I first need to motivate me? My biggest problem, being depressed, is that I can not find a way to motivate myself, to do pretty much anything. Though, some days, I do have a spurt of motivation, many days, I do pretty much, nothing. It is this frustrating roller coaster of wanting to do things, and not, and I want off.
It is not like I have not tried to find a way to motivate myself, it is just very hard to find an effective way, that lasts long. At night, I put a post-it note on my alarm, of something to look foreward to the next day. But, some nights it is hard to think of a good then, then it is other nights. Some nights, the only thing that I can think will be good the next day, is that I will get a hug from my mom. That makes me feel pathetic.
I must admit that mom is the person who works the hardest to help motivate me.
My mom tries so hard to help me, and I will always be greatful for her. On the days I am most down, laying on the floor, half paying attention to what Prince Caspian is saying, or how many times Hermione glares at Ron, she grabs her fork lift and tries to pick me up off the ground. Her and I stop everything, well it is mostly her dropping things, and we play a board game or card game. We bend the rules and play for fun, not caring if she beats me in scrabble by ten points or if I beat her at canasta by fifty.
I realized, thanks to the therapist, that any motivation I had, came from an unhelpful source. All of my previous motivation seemed to come from trying to not get my father mad at me. It was as though I tip-toed around him, and worked hard only when it seemed like it would make him happy, which it did not do.
But now I am trying to find motivation for me, I am trying to live for me. I am the only me I have.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 26th, 2009

It is times like these, where I kind of fear that I am not progressing or just plateauing. I fear that I am going backward in my attempts at being a happy, healthy person, who is not hurt by her depression. At school, my emotions seem to be on a roller coaster, one moment I am happy, the next I want to curl up in a ball and sob. Even my friends are starting drive me nuts, and I do not know why. What am I doing wrong? I want to be right, for once.

The Girl Uninspired

Different People have Different Symptoms

When talking to the people I know, if you mention depression, they automatically think of people who are suicidal. Yes, people who are depressed may be suicidal, but it is not the only symptom. I will not be telling all of the kids at school that I am depressed, because of this initial thought that depression equals suicide, and vice versa. My close friends know, because they do not jump to conclusions, but other people, not so much.
My symptoms are not that I have thoughts of suicide, or I try to hurt myself. My symptoms are totally different, all centered around motivation and energy, or a lack there of. I can not get up in the morning, because I see no point, nothing to look forward too. I have very little energy to do things, most of the time. I find the things I love; drawing, reading and writing- less enjoyable, and I do them less. I feel alone almost all of the time, even when I am with large groups of people, and friends. And, I have social anxieties, like I am afraid I will get embarassed, and I fear rejection.
I have not met another person, offline, who has admitted that they were depressed- but I know that some of the people I know are in fact depressed, diagnosed or not. Many people are depressed, but show few signs to other people.
I think more people need to learn about depression, so they stop making assumptions, and those who are depressed are more likely to get what they need. Like feelings of importants, support and hope.
Are you depressed? What symptoms do you have? Do you know someone who is depressed?

The Girl Uninspired.

September 23rd, 2009

I had a very, well not bad, but not good day? It started with getting yelled at in the morning, even though I did my chores. Then, we had a very upset best friend, forgotten homework and lots of rushing around and not being happy. Add that to a not bad but not good quiz grade or two, and add me and my father being sick. Yeah, that was my day.
Not terribly eventful, but I did run today. I still feel sick and my breathing is impaired, but I was only seven seconds off of my mile time from the last time I ran, the 15th, so I guess it was not to bad. Now I am off to shower and try to sleep. Yay, sleep.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 22nd, 2009

I am still in a remarkably happy mood today. Why, I do not know. I am not complaining, but I would really like to know what has gotten my spirits up, so I can keep them up. I may be mentally happy, but physically, I still feel like crap. Fun fact, being sick and sweating with a fever that seems almost constant, and eating less has caused me to lose three pounds. It is nice, but seriously, I can not loose it on my own, I need to get sick? This just pisses me off. I want to lose the weight, by myself. I want to be able to make myself better. I am just so frustrated.

The Girl Uninspired.

Does Mental instability lead to Physical instability, or Vice Versa?

One word that describes me very well, would be 'Clumsy.' I have always been a very clumsy person; running into walls, tripping up stairs, falling over invisible objects. But, I wonder if Mental Instability, like depression or other mental imbalances, make this worse. I could be paranoid, or maybe looking for a reason why I fall ALL THE TIME, or the worse I feel, the worse I stumble around.
For example, the last time I yelled at my mother, I felt like a terrible person, and I ened up tripping up the stairs on the way to my room, and then ran into the door, because I did not turn the door nob enough before trying to walk through it. And last year in school, I ended up arguing with an old 'friend' and then smashed my face when I opened my locker during passing time.
But then again, I guess I could just cluts-out more when I have raging emotion. I have a tendancy to trip when I am skipping around, due to joyous reasons, and when I am having a hell of a good time in band, I have poked my eye out more then once with my mouth peice.
Now I am not so sure. Any Thoughts?

The Girl Uninspired.

September 21st, 2009

Today I was in a good mood all through school and since I have been home. It's been hours and I have written and drawn and talk to friends. I haven't accomplished much, but I feel as though I had a good day.

September 20th, 2009

Alas, I am still Ill with some sort of flu-thing. But it is okay, I guess. I got my laptop back, after many months of grounding from it. And yesterday, I did some work around the house, so I may get a bonus for that. Yay?
I still feel really blah, but I have written a few hundred words, and have started a drawing of Fenrir Greyback, so I guess progress is good. Gosh, I feel sick

The Girl Uninspired

Anger Is Definatly Not Helpful

I get discouraged really easily, and I did this well before I showed any symptoms of depression. But now that I am depressed, my quick temper seems to make everything much worse. It is though I have lost any control of my emotions, and no longer can keep them in check. Not only does this make me feel terrible, but it has started to put a toll on all of my relationships with people.
I have four best friends who I go to school with, and I have two others who I call my long-distance best friends. I have more then four friends in school, but I am quickly losing them. I used to be able to hold my tongue and all of my sarcastic comments. But now, it is though, the second they start to complain or whine, I jump on them. I have become so much more irritable, and I do not know how to change. I am afraid that, if I can not change, and control my temper better, I may end high school with no friends.
What is even worse then how I over-react and get mad at my friends, is how I over-react and get very angry at my mother and father. I have yelled at my mother, causing her to get angry at me, and not talk to me. But, my biggest problem is when I clash with my father. We have a difference in opinion, and we go off. I have stoped trying to yell at him, or get him to see what I am trying to say. But after he yells at me, I am full of resentment, and I hold on to my anger. This clouds my judgment for the rest of the day, or week, and I do things to purposfully annoy him.
Yes, I hold a grudge. I do not know how to let things go. I can not be the only one who does this, can I? Do any of you have similar problems? Is anyone else really angry, all the time?

The Girl Uninspired

September 18th, 2009

I am still sick, but doing my best not to really 'feel' it. I did go to school, and I payed attention, instead of crawling in a ball in my oversized green hoodie after drawing. I do have a blankie, I have had it since I was a baby, but my security blanket definatly seems to be my hoodie. It is terribly stretched out, but in it I feel warm and safe. I do not feel warm and safe as much as (I think) I should.
Appart from my suden cold-like symptoms, there really is nothing new in my life. It is a shame really, I would love some adventure. I have no plans for Saturday or Sunday, other then cleaning and 'doing homework,' so I have no idea how it will go.
And, Rachel: Thanks, I am praying for you too, Sister :)

The Girl Uninspired.

September 17th, 2009

Today I have felt like crap. But, for once it is physically and not just mentally. I always feel like mental crap, but now I get to really FEEL the pain. Not that it is a good thing, but it is a change. Change means less boring.
I went to see my therapist yesterday, and I was really upbeat and happy. I talked about positive changes that have gone on in my life, how I am working to improve myself. But, then I got home, and felt terrible again. Part of me wonders if I do not want to get better. Why, is beyond me, but I guess I do not know.
It figures that I get sick right after I decide to get healthy. Not only is sick the opposite of healthy, all I do when I am sick is lay around and sniff my nose. Hopefully sleep will lead to healing.

The Girl Uninspired

I am Fat.

Before you try and say, 'oh no, you are not fat,' I have something to tell you. Fat is a synonym for Obese. I am obese. Ergo, I am fat.
I am not trying to use it as an excuse for my depression, on the contrary, I want to use it. I lack self-confidence, and self-esteem, I always have. I want to become 'less fat,' healthy. Just think, if I lost weight, I would feel better, and look better and that would boost my confidence, and reduce some of my stress and social anxiety. Like, I do not like to eat infront of people, because it makes me think that they are assuming that I am a fat pig.
I put myself down a lot, which has a lot to do with my weight. I kind of laugh and joke, going 'atleast you are not fat like me,' and calling myself 'repulsive.' But, a big part of me knows that I am fat and ugly and repulsive. No one has ever called me fat directly, but one of the worst days of my life was when a boy on my bus last year told me that, I could not be a vegetarian, because vegetarians were supposed to be skinny. I then flipped him off, got off the bus and ran into the house and cried for an hour.
Since that boy said what he did, eating makes me feel guilty, and I have even more social anxieties then I already had. I feel as though people are whispering behind my back, about how fat and gross I am, and I do not like sitting in the back of the room, because it can be hard to squeeze between desks without moving them.
So I am going to lose weight. Right now, I weigh 161 Pounds. I will run more, eat healthier and drink less soda. I will eat less crap food and not after 7 PM. I want to feel better about myself. It will take some time, but I have too. I need to stop using food as a crutch, because It does not make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. Any insight, help or suggestions would be greatly appreciate. I can not do this alone.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 15th, 2009

I have had a fourth good day at school. So, four down and 176 days to go. I have this terrible feeling that I will soon get introuble and everything is going to go to hell. It is like a dark cloud looming overhead. But, I should try to ignore said cloud, and focus on the good things, like how I like my teachers, and joined a club. The new kid is gay (which is a waste, since he is so sexy. Oh well, he is still nice) but I still get to play bassoon and he is a really nice guy, so that is okay.
On a very happy note, on of the story collaberations I am working on with an internet friend of mine has begun. We worked on the prologue together and we will start alternating writing the chapters. I am so excited. And I have been uploading drawings. I am being productive. Why, I do not know. But I will take it anyway.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 14th, 2009

I have only had three days of school, but so far, so good. I am happy with pretty much all of my classes, with good teachers and a relativly nice bunch of kids in most of them. 'X' did not show up in the class we have together, which made me happy, and to make the class better, a friend of mine was transfered in. My first period class even got a new student, so I get to do something that I really wanted to do, since he is filling my position.
My 'Home life' seems surprisingly positive as well. But, I am not sure if it is because I am actually getting off my ass and doing things, or because my father and I have not interacted much. I do not know, only time will tell, I guess. Now, to go study, because I have yet to fall behind in my studies as of the third day of class. Then, I shall run, a mile minimum. Joy.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 13th, 2009

Today was not a day full of adventure or excitement. Today I did chores and went shopping for a binder for school. I did my homework, so that on day three, I will not be behind in my schoolwork. The day dragged along and was incredibly warm and humid, even though it should not be. But, there is a slight chance I was just having a really really long heat stroke, at 16. I doubt that though.
I kind of wish I had more people to talk to on weekends. I mean, I went to an awesome birthday party yesterday, but I still get really lonely, really quickly. I do not  know, but I hope I think of something to cut down on my 'alone time' (which I still can not believe I, the most anti-social person I know, want to do) some time soon. I am off to run and then sleep. I need more sleep, I think that would help.

The Girl Uninspired.

I Do Not Want To Get Up

Seriously. I never want to get up. If I were aloud too, I would probably sleep for days at a time. When I am asleep, I am not in trouble. When I am asleep I have no responsiblities. When I am asleep, I can dream. Well, more like attempt to dream. It has been a very long time since I have remembered any of my dreams, that were pleasant. I can remember pleanty of nightmares; death, destruction and sorrow. But happy dreams, not so much.
It is not so much that I want to sleep. Mostly, it is that I do not want to do anything. I do not want to get up and go to school, I do not want to feed the pets and clean their cages. I do not want to do chores and I definatly do not want to be held responsible for my actions. So subconciously, I think that if I do not get up at five thirty in the morning (Or any time after that) I will be able to avoid all of the things that ail my mind. When, in truth, the less I get up, the more trouble I get in. When I do not get up, the time at which I am forced to go to bed gets moved earlier and earlier, and I lose privalages like the use of the computer and television. Then, when I lose privalages, I lose even more motivation and become more defiant. I dig my heels in and resist doing anything, and whind up laying around all day, getting nothing done. It is just a vicious cycle, getting worse and worse.
The problem is that I am running out of Ideas, ways to help myself get up. Every night, I think of something to look forward for the next day, and I put it on a sticky note on my alarm clock, over the numbers. (after I set it) But it still isn't really much to help me motivate myself to get up. And I would rather not have to drink a liter of water when I go to bed, so I wake up having to use the bathroom. I have done that way to many times. So, if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.

The Girl Uninspired

September 12th, 2009

Today, I hung out with friends and felt wonderful. I mean, I seem most of them five days a week, but I forgot how great it was to be with them, and not have to worry about being myself. I can get crazy and loud, and let loose. I got to laugh and joke and be weird. It was amazing.
I was up at seven thirty, which meant I was half an hour late, but I got moving quickly, so I avoided trouble. And I went shopping with mom, for a gift for my friend. We picked up another friend of mine and went to the party. We played Guitar hero and Zelda and Mario Cart. We were loud and obnoxious, yelling "Press A!" or "Fight the flying thing-y!" I ate more then I normally do in a week, and got to meet someone I had only heard stories of and talk to online; she was even more awesome then I expected.
Today was a good day, I felt happy. Here hoping for some more awesome good days.

The Girl Uninspired.

September 11th, 2009

After two days of school, I want to be done. The sense of Monotomy, the boringness of my day to day life at school, has hit me hard, like a brick to the chest. I do not want to be in the motions that I have always been in. I get up, go to school, come home, go to bed. It is like I do not do anything else. I have worked hard to keep my spirits and motivation up. And my mom has helped me, like helping me study with the flashcards that I have made. But, I fear that any progress I have made, may slip away.
But, let us try to focus on something that is positive. I have friends in more then half of my classes, three of them being with my most bestest friend my age, and one with one of my best friends the grade below me. I was able to get out of the class that they tried to make me take, for the second year in a row, and got a new History class. That means, one less class with 'X,' and a lot less stress about having them talk to me. I got my locker changed too, which was a very stressful thing. My father would not wait until they were changing all of those who had problems, which caused more problems. Let us just say, I am getting a new lock on Monday.
I am very tired, which is not a good sign, and much more irritable then normal. I fear that I will lose all the 'back-to-school' motivation I had. Any one else have the back to school blues?

Girl Uninspired.

September 10th, 2009

I am officially a Junior in high school, and my first day was definatly better then I expected. I thought that I would go to school and just get laughed at and be miserable, but I was terribly mistaken. I found a friend in all but one of my classes, and I have a couple classes without anyone who has the same first name then me, which did not happen once last year. I get to take three electives a semester this year, by dropping lunch and foreign language. I am just on cloud 9 right now.
Well, except for the fact that the could above cloud nine, is a rain cloud. My math class, I need to change it. It is the same one I took last year, and am so terribly bored, even my doodles were doodling. And my locker is so far away from the exit and my last class of the day, I can not go to my locker and make the bus to go home. I could live with that, I am working on changing math classes, and my father called the school to get me a new locker. No, the only real problem, is that I have two classes with 'X.'
If you can recall, 'X,' is a person I first encountered when I was a freshman, two years ago. This person did many things that I view as morally wrong. I do not know why, but I stayed their friend; I wish I had not. I saw them very little last year, and went from January until the last day of school before seeing them again. I saw them when My mother and I went out to lunch. And now they are in two of my classes.
'X' cause me so much pain, and is one of the reasons of my depression. I have finally started to be happy again. I do not know what I will do if they try to talk to me. Only 179 days left to try and avoid them, that is the only thing I know to do. I refuse to relapse. I refuse to let them take me down. Again.

The Girl Uninspired.

Role Play Dependancy

I know many people who like to create like I do, and most of them seem to suggest the same thing to help get my creative juices flowing; RPG'ing or joining and participating in a Role Playing Game. Text based RPG's, like those that my friends and I like to indulge in, are simply forums, where you create a character, and type out that character's thoughts, feelings and actions. There is nothing wrong with RPGs, I find them highly enjoyable. But, sometimes I wonder if I enjoy them to much. RPG'ing is a great way to de-stress and escape for a while, to a different world, and interact with others. Yet, I still feel as though they are not the best things for me to be partaking in.
As you may have already guessed, or would have guessed later if I was not mentioning it now, I have a very addictive personality. I can quickly become obsessive over something, like a book or a website. It is not like I am some rabid fangirl, I know about my obsessions, that they are not real, but it does not make it any easier. When I am not online, I think about posts I would like to make, or replies I should have made. It is as though even when I am offline, my mind is still somewhere else. I have problems focusing and then holding my focus. I lose my motivation when there is something else I would rather be doing.
I only have a few characters on the only RPG I am active on right now( Back To The Basics), and the site is rather slow. But still, I can not help but wonder if this could be the end of me in the long run. In my head, I can see an image of me typing up character biographies instead of history reports, and drawing character sketches instead of working on art projects. I could get really depressed and just start RP'ing and ignoring all of my responsibilities, which could lead to issues with my parents and school and friends.  I do not want to stop RPG'ing. I see that it could potentially be destructive, so I will watch myself. Like everything else, I will do my best to hold back, and keep it from controlling me. I do not think I could take yet another thing in my life, that is hurting me. But, I could use some more patience and restraint.

The Girl Uninspired

September 9th, 2009

It is my last day of summer, and I could find no reason to get up this morning. I am afraid this is just how the whole school year will go. I will be a junior, so this is my most important year of school. This just means that, I am screwed. Unless I can find a way to force myself up, and make myself sit and do my homework, I will mess up my grades, not get into college, and have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. There is NO way I will let that happen. I want to get the hell out of here. Now.
But I can not. That thought hit me hard this morning. I am stuck here for two more years, until I turn 18. Then, I will probably high-tail it out of here. All of the colleges that I have looked at, for the most part, are out of state. I want out so bad.
I do have this dream of getting my writing published, so I would not have to go to college, but seeing how I do not have the use of my laptop, therefore have not been writing, I have nothing to edit. I have nothing to show a publisher. So, I have to go to... college. Do I have any other choice? Since, it feels like forever, my father has talked about me going to college, being successful. I know he wants me to have more opportunities then he had, but still. His extra pressure is not helping. At all. I just wonder if he, or any parents in general, realize how much pressure they put on their children.
Well, now I get to go shopping for school clothes. Better late then never, right?

The Girl Uninspired.

September 8th, 2009

Today, I have very mix feelings. On one hand, I went to the orthodontist and was told that I will have my braces off by the end of October. I have had them since the summer before freshman year, so I am very excited about that. On the other hand, school starts for me on Thursday. This will mean a decrease in time for me to just sit and draw all afternoon, and an increase in school work. School work is what always kills me.
Since, what feels like, forever, I have had problems with my peers. Such issues led to a dislike of school, and most things related to it. This led to a hatrid of Homework. I would always rush it, doing it in class or on the bus, but that caught up with me when I started high school. Freshman year brought Global History I, and lots of homework. I found it pointless, and almost ened up failing the class, and having to do hours of homework over Christmas break to avoid failing the Quarter.
Then last year, Sophomore year, I found it even harder to motivate myself to do work out side of the halls of education. This led to me almost failing Global History II and Geometry. While I failed neither, this caused my parents to start taking away privalages, and means I have to take Geometry 11 this year, my junior year. Because of my lowering grades in Math and History, my parents came at me, trying to find out what was wrong. I was tested for deficiencies, and odd levels of vitamins. I even had to pee in a cup to convince my parents that I was not doing drugs. (I have never, and will never do drugs.) This lead me to losing any trust or faith in my parents. And, that was when I first went to a therapist. If it were not for my therapist, we would never have realized that I am clinically depressed, and I would not be (hopefully) on the path to a happier life.

So with school starting, I will be working harder then ever to keep up my motivation. I do not know how many daily posts I will be able to make, due to school and marching band. But, I will have a new post (other then the daily posts) every three days. Have a Good Day.

The Girl Uninspired

Hello

Hello, interweb and all of it's inhabitants. I am a sixteen year old girl, and I live in the United States. I love to create, and want to share how I create, what I create and why I create, with all of you. I like to draw, and write and play music. But, I seem to have hit a road block. My inspiration is dwindling, and I seem to have to fight myself to try and do anything.
I was diagnosed with Depression this past summer, so everything has been a bit, well, hard. It started (I think) a few years back, freshman year of high school. My motivation began to decrease, along with a few grades, in the classes where more work is required. I have always been a pessimist, but my view on life, and other people, began to get increasingly more negative. I was unable to find a reason to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I could not sleep at night, due to a restless mind. Well, and a big thing that disturbed my life, we willl call that thing 'X.' I met X freshman year, and I am sure that X is reason for many of my problems. It is not that I am looking for a scape goat, it is that X put me through my own personal hell.
Back to the Depression. While I have a clinical case, I have not, and shall never be, Suicidal. Luckily, I was brought up to be strong in my faith. And I fear pain. I have a tendancy to over think and make lists of pros and cons. On the top of the con list for suicide, you have 'Miss and live.' I am betting that it would hurt a lot. That, and I feel like Suicide is not only going against the rule, 'Thou shalt not kill,' but It is the Coward's way out. Then again, I have always had problems sympothizing with those who try to hurt or kill themselves. I guess I am not numb enough to understand. and I do not want to be.
So now you know that I am depressed, which is important to know, but Let me get to the point of this blog. I am an artistic person by nature. I thrive to create things, whether they be visual, or words or music, it does not matter. My problem is that, for me to create, I need to bring the passion back. I some times can not force myself to do anything other then laying around and watching the Harry Potter and Narnia movies over and over again. Or, sometimes I lay on my bedroom floor, doing nothing for hours. What I am trying to say is, I want to find a way to motivate myself. I want to feel important for once in my life. I want people to know me for me, and to look toward me for the support that I was never given. I want a connection that will help me reach my potential, even though there is a thick fog keeping me from seeing it, and myself. I do not know if I will change for the better, but I want to change, for good.

The Girl Uninspired